Looking through his eyes

11 Dec 2010, it was my boyfriend's birthday and I was bed ridden, there was little I could do sitting thousands of kilometers away, to make him happy. All I could do was sit and visualize that he was happy and enjoying, and that brought a smile on my face. Just then I realized how I've lived so many moments through him. He's a pilot by profession and nothing makes him happier than flying, the joy, the exuberance that he feels when he's just returned from a flight, trust me I've never seen him so happy, or heard that happy voice.

Sometimes he flies through the clouds or feels the rain on his fingertips, watches the rainbow upside down, has a top view of the amazing coast lines, melting into the land so seamlessly. I often ask him to write his experience down, but that's his life, his experiences so solidly cast in his brain that he doesn't need to write them down to immortalize them, but as I listen to him and imagine the words the way he sees things around him and try to visualize it, I feel I live the moments through him, the giant bird like machine throbbing under me, cutting through the white clouds as the chill embraces you, those tiny nascent droplets kissing me so gently, as the world that I belong to slowly starts dwindling into tiny little landmarks I can just trace out from above, the heavenly feeling and colors, looking at the rainbow right from where it originated, the feeling of being on top of the world literally and marvelling at its beauty in its true organic form, the forms and shapes that one can trace out of them and feel proud of being alive every moment to be able to see, cherish and understand the beauty of it all. And once again the very thought that I lived all this through his eyes, is amazing. I hope he keeps flying, be happy and keeps sharing the little details that I can imagine and live for a few moments and feel a part of it all...

Knowing each other

Well I always thought that the way we fell in love with someone was when we discovered something new and endearing about them everyday. That's what kept the initial magic so live and exciting. But, then I started to think that what if one day I have nothing new, nothing special to offer? Will the love that we've built over the time get us through? Will the memories sail us through the remaining part of the journey? Or will the fact that how well we know each other suddenly become a matter of concern.

A relationship to me has always been about growth, growing alone, growing with each other. The presence of your loved one making you explore something new everyday. Then why are there times when we just don't grow anymore, or feel like it's not happening? When everyday seems same. But, you are still together. What holds you? What is it that still binds you together? Is it because we have become used to each other's presence over the days spent together? And that is a scary thought. But, then am reminded of the moments when we just guess what's on the other's mind and how it brings a smile on our faces, or of the times when we were struggling to know each other. Those sweet times and revelations, little secrets and moments spent together chatting away to glory.. And I know why we are together...

Looking through a tinted glass

I wake up at 630 in my south bound journey and start looking outside the window admiring the beauty that nature has to offer. The windows in A/C compartments are tinted, soon it was 730 then 830, and I can still notice no change in the weather, no spot of the slightly sunny early morning that freshens you up.

Its the tinted beauty, where it all seems nice and calm outside, the pleasant weather that one expects the day they are planning a picnic. And just then I happened to step outside the coach and the bright rays of sun shone in my eye, giving them that extra gleam, I could see the true colors, the shades of green, and yellows and blues. And it was amazing. Soon when I returned back to my seat suddenly the view through the window wasn't that lovely anymore.

The rush to run through those fields was suddenly gone, the colors so very dull. I realised , how we spend most of our life looking at it through a tinted glass, the glass could be love, hate, bias, forced or imposed. But, there's so much we miss out. Come out, live, love, explore. There are colors, there's life, there's energy. Waiting to engulf you in its charms.

Information design

Yesterday I experienced one of the most horrible experience of my life with the Indian Railways. And the sole reason behind it was lack of information. INFORMATION. At right place and at right time. And not to my surprise, there were other hundreds of passengers suffering like me. One platform and two trains scheduled to arrrive, where for the one that is supposed to arrive later gets repeated announcements and the one that is scheduled to depart in next five minutes, receives no mention at all. No information as to which platform no., arrival time, departure time. Ok the train is delayed, so aren't you supposed to announce that?

All this because of one technical glitch that if a platform is allotted to a particular train in the database the last one will only pop out and receive announcements. For those who understand the concept of LIFO(Last in First Out), in more technical terms it was the last entry that was popping out, negelecting the currently due train in all respects.

To my dismay, I had a really bad day, and struggled to arrive the station 2 hrs early, despite the heavy rains and traffic, managing all my luggage, to be told that wait on platform one for further announcements, as the platform gets alloted once the arrival is due. Fine, I keep waiting and kill the next two hrs doing something or other, watching people scurry as they receive announcements for their train, eat, chat over the phone. Now there's just 10 mins for my train's arrival and still no news. Only the screen pops the name showing the departure time, which once again is not the original departure time but the arrival time. So if I were to believe that, my train is somewhere on one of the 10 platforms and yes will leave in next 5 mins. You can imagine what reaction this sudden dawning brought upon. PANIC! And hence, so far all the luggage with all the important stuff that I was holding so dear, and not letting off my eye even for a second, was dumped in a go, as I ran to the enquiry counter, and on enquiry this man coolly replies that its platform no. 5, with a look on his face as if I was such a fool who didn't even know her name.

Am flabbergasted! What the train is already here! And not a single announcement! I was like, so when were you planning to announce. And he just looks at me and says thats not my duty, I sit at the enquiry counter and you came and asked me and I did my job right. God! Now the attention goes back to the abandoned luggage.. Hehe... I sprint back with terror, and find it safe there thanks to sweet uncle.

Now begins the struggle to 5th platform on the squishy squashy wet platform that the rain had tormented all day long. Things couldn't get worse. Sudden panic as I wasn't the only one misinformed, suddenly hundreds of people come running for platform 5. Now, as per the announcement people baording the later train are already on the platform, the train scheduled at 11. Ours is supposed to depart at 11. And yes, its 10:54 ans there is no train on the platform. suddenly this lady, turns around and asks this guy next to her, waiting for Rameswaram Express and he says no Kaveri express, its due to arrive in 3 mins!

What? The same reaction from all the people boarding our non existent Rameswaram Express, are we once again on the wrong platform! Some 5 mins later comes the annoying ding dong where the lady talking in Kannada announces something where I can make out the words Mysore and Rameswaram and I see a feeling of assurance on the faces of localites and I realise everything's fine.

Apparently both the trains were delayed by half an hour. But, that half an hour delay caused me two and a half hours mental trauma. And I believe it was the same for the others who finally boarded the train with me. All because of a simple lack of information. Am a student of information and interface design, and my favorite field had always been information design. Lately, I had started to drift towards interface design, as that was what the industry projects involved all the time. But, last night was an eye opener. India needs information design, badly, in various fields. And it can ease millions of lives. Am changing back my profile to information designer from Interaction Designer the moment I reach my destination.

I think...

Just got over a call wishing a friend who got married to the woman he loved, and it felt like his happiness was flowing out of the phone, I could feel and visualize a guy laughing, blushing, in a trance like situation, so full of happiness that you know he can't contain it anymore. I think that's marriage; when you're sure, this is the person am in love with, this is the person I want to spend rest of my life with. This is what would make me happy. And the day that marks a new phase of your life should leave you in a similar situation, so happy that you can't stop smiling and blushing...

As they move on...

Last few days are making me wonder is love seriously in the air? Everyday I open my facebook account so that I can keep track of what's up in the life of my 200+ friends, and this is very close to what my facebook homepage looks like. The profile pictures are no longer single, it's a couple posing with status messages like, so-and-so is engaged to so-and-so, or so-and-so is married to so-and-so, or better still so-and-so is in a relationship with so-and-so.

As most of my 200+ plus friends seem to be stepping a foot forward to what one would call a settled life, and the rate seems to be accelerating suddenly, I wonder is it going to change anything in my life, will it make a difference if am still single and no longer fit into their cosy couple date evenings? Would I lose my friends who have advanced a level high and taken up other important responsibilities? While on one side I feel happy for them as they're happy with their dream partners, but somewhere in the corner the thought still nags that hope I don't lose my friends.

Vacation

This vacation I was very confused whether I should go home or take up an internship. I gave it a lot of thought and kept both the options open for a while. But, at the last moment I refused the internship and decided to go home.

I know some of my batch mates would consider me a fool for saying that cos they are a part of the race that wants to grab everything that comes their way professionally, have big portfolios and grab big jobs for themselves. For a while even I had become a part of this rat race just to realize that it was slowing me down and killing my creativity. It wasn't just my work but my intrinsic happiness that was getting affected, cos I was not happy with my work and not being happy was affecting my work further, in a way it was a vicious circle. I knew I needed a break and I took a break. And trust me till date the fun and experiences I had in that one month can not be replaced by any industry exposure, any hi-fi portfolio, stipend or contacts.

I knew this was my last long vacation back at home. I had some real quality time with my parents and siblings. I met my grand mom, maybe for the last time, given her condition can't be sure if she'd still be around when I get off this busy life of trying to build a career for myself. The smile on her face, the pride and glory that she feels for your achievements, nothing can compare to it. Those special family moments together, shopping, going out for ice creams n golas, or those long drives to visit family members, spent fighting with your siblings in the back seat. Sharing secrets and gossiping with your sister, catching up with mom and dad, telling them about your future plans, hearing out their reflections on the same, eating good, waking up early and being done with everything by 10(usual waking up time in Bangalore), leaving whole day to do whatever you want, those back to back movies and baking cakes and cookies. A complete refreshing package. And do I feel refreshed? Yes absolutely. And it shows. Shows in my work, my attitude and everything I do...

After a brief respite

I have not written for a long time. Each time I write something or the other goes wrong. Either I can't write anymore or the file gets closed without saving or I simply get confused if I really feel this way. So I thought what would be a better option than breaking the spell by writing about the spell itself.

Last few months have been a roller coaster. Physically, emotionally and in all other ways possible. And that in a way kept me so busy and away from thinking that there was nothing much to write about, even if I sat down to pen my thoughts it somehow wouldn't work, cos somewhere in the middle of these mixed feelings and emotions I was really unsure of how I felt about a particular situation. And it's not that I hate the situation, in fact I loved those times, they just flew by and I knew I was enjoying every moment of it. I did miss writing, but writing to me has always been a way to express things to myself and those days there was no need to do that, cos maybe I wasn't sure of how I felt for each thing in particular but, one thing I knew for sure was I was happy. And that required no retrospection.

One would think then why was I even trying to write? The reason is that I was so happy that I wanted to record it all, cos we remember the bad times so vividly but its the good times that just fade away, leaving just this warm feeling of happiness and that's all you recollect when you look back...

Talking about dreams

Ever since I grew up and the hormones started taking effect, when romance was in the air, the guy sitting next to me was suddenly handsome, since then the definition of a perfect relationship for me has been a dreamy world, where everyday has been thought of, imagined and dreamt already. And the guy who could relate to those dreams would be my dream guy. Whether things turned out that way or not, I desperately kept searching for the guy who imagined things the way I did.

Eventually, it wasn't that I didn't fall in love, and dream of different things but, somehow it was never the same dreams, there was a little compromise here there all the time.

Today was different, while talking to someone suddenly I saw a reflection of the dreams I saw, unfolding in front of me, word by word, as if this guy all the while was living the same dreams which I had long forgotten in adjustments and compromises to be loved, to belong, to be a part of someone else's dreams, deeming my dreams to be utopian and crazy. But, when I heard him talk, I felt like, no, they're very much achievable, very much true. I just have to believe in them to make them come true.

Swinging away to glory

One of my fondest memories of home for me has always been the 'jhoola'. Be it the big one on the terrace or the tiny one in the balcony. The to and fro motion has some really beautiful meanings for me. as you swing by you can relate the motion with so many emotions, good/bad, past/present, today/tomorrow, to meet/to part and to meet again.

The swing has always been the most inspiring location of the house for me. This is where I get all my ideas, all the solutions, inspirations. This is the place where I've often bonded with my parents, flirted with my boyfriend, prepared for boring engineering exams, cried when I was low, and laughed away to glory chatting up with friends. Those secret telephone conversations and candid confessions, it's all been done there. To cut the story short, it's become a part of my life. Though I don't have one in Bangalore, but I dream to have one of my own once I graduate and finally settle down.

Hiccups

From childhood we were told that when we have a hiccup, someone's thinking about you. Today morning I had these tiny dull hiccups, those who've experienced the irritating, non stop hiccups will be able to understand what I mean when I say 'tiny & dull', as if someone is thinking of you longingly. And your first instinct is to think of who could it be? And even before the thought rolls into your head, you already have a name, or in some cases a smiling face flashing in front of you. You know that there's no base behind the belief that someone's thinking about you, but, your wishful thinking not only makes you see a face, but, makes you believe it, and it brings a smile on your face. And the very fact that you noticed the smmile, makes your belief and faith in the person you thought of a knot stronger. Making your day and ensuring that you'd spend your whole day smiling, to yourself and everyone you come across.

Story teller

I have a friend, childish, baby like and so far he's the best story teller I've come across. Our meeting was a coincidence, it just happened. Infact, that makes me wonder, that most of the people I end up growing fond of are people whom I meet suddenly, when it was least expected. Well, we can discuss that later. So, not deviating from the main topic of the post, my story teller friend, well, he's just amazing. We recently had a little tiff over something to which I over reacted and almost maintained a silence for a month or so. While I was thinking that it was because of what happened a few days back, today when he finally called and we had a long chat I realised that the incidence was not even on his mind, cos he was out somewhere, travelling, getting screwed, enjoying and most importantly acquiring more stories to tell. And so my day began with one of his stories in the past one month that we were not in touch.

He's the kinds who's always getting into trouble, missing trains and flights, running around and getting screwed all the time. Trust me, when am in the deepest of shit, when everything seems to be going wrong, all I do is call him up, and within 5 minutes his stories make you feel that your life is hundred times better. One instant you were in a totally depressed or panicked state and the next instant you're laughing like crazy. Some people are just 'blessed' with these lovely experinces and on top of that the art to actually express a seemingly bad moment in such lively, vivid and jovial manner.

Puppy love

At times we meet people, we talk, we laugh, and it all seems so perfect, like it was just meant to be. Just like you imagined, day in day out. Everyday, there's new adventure, new topic, new discussion, new song. You can't help but notice that you are happy, content, satisfied with how things are going. Times you question, is it right? And times you just don't want to think. This lovely feeling of waiting for those short sweet moments when you can talk, and then gladly wait for the day to end, so that you can talk a little more. Can't remember when I felt this way last, but it was sure sometime back in those school/initial college days. How sweet, innocent and beautiful. Waking up to a short and sweet message, everyday a little different, like an effort was made to make your day special, the wait for you to wake up, the constant reminders that you're pretty and you're loved. The effort to make you a part of every event of life, and most important to make you laugh. It's crazily endearing. Thank you!

A weekend out

Writing again, after a long time. Last weekend was good fun. Though it was nothing like I expected to be, it was in fact far better. At times, we plan things, and that might in a way ruin things, but the things that come as a surprise are far more interesting. Everything about the trip was amazing.

It all started on Saturday afternoon, it was hot, and there was no reservation. But, to my luck I land at the station, look at the charts and this man helps me figure out things, and soon I have a reserved seat in an AC coach. It couldn't get any better. Lovely cosy journey, I slept, clicked pictures, played with a lovely cute kid on the next seat, listened to some music, chatted up with the Ticket Inspector, who turned out to be a really friendly guy, and the journey was soon over. Once I landed on the station, well there's someone waiting for you, and off you go. The village scene was even more interesting. The moment you step out, a sudden burst of heat wave welcomes you, but if you can get over that and focus, there was so much to notice, observe and appreciate. There was this narrow road, which we had to cross in a car, and trust me there was hardly any space to walk, forget getting a car through, and I guess the person picking me up wasn't quite comfortable with my presence yet. So we start, casual talks and he badly trying to concentrate on the road, time and again we'd bump into people, they'd curse and abuse, and you could see the impatience growing on the guy's face. But, what I liked were the tiny shops, the colors people had on, the way they were crossing the road, as if nothing could happen to them, like there were no rules. Some shops happened to have some really great stuff I had never seen before, like one had something made of wood, which looked like corks on wine bottles, it had lots of them tied together to make something, which I couldn't make out then, but made a mental note to return when I have time, which again didn't happen, cos the trip was cut short later.

Once, we reach our destination, a quick drive around the place, by now the sun has set and you can appreciate the magic of lights. I tried to capture a few, but the restriction not to stop on the runway, didn't allow me to capture good ones. but, nevertheless, the scene is etched in my mind. I reach my room, and now it was time to explore everything around me. I had a good amount of time on me, as my friend was not going to turn up till late. Started with a nice refreshing shower and found a lovely opportunity to kill time in bathroom itself. Hehe... There was this tiny frog, I don't know about the species but this one are those glassy ones, which are all transparent and they jump some 6 ft high, it's fun playing around with them. Rested, had dinner, slept for a while and soon my friend turns up. We talked and kept talking for the whole night. It was fun. Very different from what I imagined it to be, but fun. I guess by now I should have known that this trip was not going to be anything like I thought it'd be. Soon it was time to leave, but, the best part, where I learnt the most was yet to begin.

So, all packed and ready as I board the train, this time there was no man to help me out, and I was there to enjoy the life of an everyday traveler. Initially I tried to get myself a seat and be comfortable, but soon I realized it was more fun this way, and so began the 6 hours ride to Bangalore, waiting, standing, talking, interacting, laughing, clicking pictures, meeting some really good, amazing people. There was so much that I learnt in a day, I could hardly believe it was all true. Everyone, from the old man, hanging on the door, to the lady merrily sitting on the passage, to the kids trying to find a little space to jump around, and not to forget the man who helped me out with everything and even offered me his seat. We Indians are just simply amazing, culturally, emotionally, the way we talk, share, and enjoy every moment of life. The trip that would have been extremely tedious given the heat and the crowd, felt like I was right among my friends. Thanks to the lovely cooperative and understanding crowd. Love you all.

Faces

It's funny how the faces that used to stir up emotions way beyond control, whether positive or negative, suddenly start getting washed away with time.

It starts with a distant blur, when things could still touch you, and gradually starts fading to a very vague blot, somewhere in the corner of your mind, cos new faces have started appearing and that blurred image of something that was there, starts dwindling in oblivion, darkness, where you can no longer spot the face. Even if it crosses you out in open, you notice, but can't decipher. Their presence or absence obviously doesn't matter. Well, time flies and I guess so do emotions.

Beautiful morning

Today morning was beautiful. Woke up fresh, looked at the time, and spotted a message, from a person least expected, a friend who's the kinds that you don't have to 'keep in touch' with, but whenever you meet him, things would be like they were last time, as if we just met yesterday. It's a relationship that does not require any 'maintenance' and it's always the same. And the miss you message with a warm hug, suddenly made the fresh morning oh so bright.

Sometimes these little phrases and gestures can make you feel so happy. And some people simply know how to make your day, they read your mind from a long distance, and it's so wonderful as all this comes without any obligations and expectations. It's just there, a simple straight warm feeling, that makes you feel loved. And I love this feeling. Thanks buddy...

Facebook - a new way to maintain relationships?

I logged onto facebook today, and the posts that I saw made me wonder. I know a few couples, no offense to them but I think their love is becoming a victim of facebook. Every post that one posted, the partner had to 'like' it, or have a mushy comment on it, to prove that they are together even if their status reads single. It's like a proclamation to the world, guys stay away this one's mine. Hehe... Like commenting and keeping a track of your partner's posts has become an important part of life. I can actually imagine people logged onto facebook and refreshing the page time and again to see if there's a new post, or reply to their post.

And some to my amazement were actually having a one to one conversation through the posts, which were public to all. I wonder, what do people do these days? Just simply wait for their respective partners to post something? Or their life simply revolves around each other? Where did the passions and having one's own time to oneself disappear? Am I too weird in not wanting this public disclosure, and wanting to do something of my own, having my time, my set of friends and my LIFE!

For my friends

My life an ocean,

High tides and low,

Stormy at times,

A turbulent flow,

And at times so quiet, surrendered at peace,

Praying to God, am down on my knees,

Silence before a storm, or silence of a complacent mind,

And not to forget the breezes,

Soothing calm, as my journey eases,

Sunny, clear skies, winged birds,

The dancing of life beneath,

Celebrating the mysteries, I beseech,

Love, laughter, tears and pain,

Would have all seemed dead ends,

Had you all not been my friends...

What I want to be...

Ever since I was a kid, or let's say for all of us when we were kids, we wanted to be something or other professionally, and it kept changing with age and situations.

For me it started with being a teacher, I must be in Grade I then. That time most of our teachers were females and I thought well that's what girls do when they grow up. Teach kids, come home, cook food, wait for their husbands and go for a walk in the evening. We were so naive and innocent. That it makes me laugh now. Then as I grew up I was exposed to various professions and I imagined myself in quite a lot of them.

Doctor, which died down with my first visit to the hospital and being injected with a Tetanus shot, I realized I was way too scared of them myself, forget injecting someone else.

Then, inspired by my mom I wanted to be a lawyer, I thought they win all the battles by talking. How amazing!

Later, I wanted to be an astronaut, inspired by Kalpana chawla, but soon I realized how much one has to study for that, and gave up. Hehe...
Then I thought what if I cannot get into space, maybe I can just fly. Well, situation was the villain here, cos the moment I dreamed of it, I got glasses. But, I did spend next few years dreaming that my boyfriend would be a pilot and we'll have that absolute romantic moment like in Pearl Harbour, when he takes his girl flying with him. Thanks to the movies for corrupting my dreams. Hehe...

The list is really long, and I can go on and on, but the point am trying to make here is that I never thought I'd end up doing engineering. I clearly remember repeating these lines to everyone in my school days, 'I'd not do what everyone does, I'll not go for medical or engineering', but ended up doing engineering and now have switched to Information design. And don't know if tomorrow I might just switch to something else. It's funny how life changes, situations change and you adapt, and move on, cos the ulterior motive and goal is something way beyond what I want to be... Something I am yet to figure out.

Cold Coffee

The most miraculous thing on a hot summer day, is a nice cup of frothy cold coffee. It has it's variants, simple cold coffee, cold coffee with ice cream, with extra chocolate sauce, with grated chocolate etc.

But, to me cold coffee has always been about memories. Memories which date back from childhood. I think my first encounter with cold coffee would be on one hot summer day, back after a rigorous swim, when my mom thought I was big enough to taste coffee, that I was offered a huge mug of this cold, refreshing, relaxant. And since then I've been a fan.

Then once in college, the definition of cold coffee changed to something that'd help you survive the lectures and of course offer an opportunity to huddle up with your friends in a group and talk about everything under the sun.

Once, I became a professional the same cold coffee meant those short meetings I could manage with my friends owing to our busy schedules, where once in a while we would catch up to know what was happening in each others lives. And not to forget the venues of the cold coffee joints had also changed. From home to college canteen to now the very famous cafes that claim to be the hottest hangout joints. Yes, you got it right, Cafe Coffee Day and Barista.

But, with each cup that I down, I know I am building yet another memory, somewhere, to be recollected later at some point of time and cherished. I know it would bring back a smile on my face, with the froth still lingering on my lips and wait till I lick it all off my lips.

Bangalore like never before II

Sometimes it's just great to meet old friends, leave everything aside and have fun. Yesterday was a good day. Began with a nice free ride all the way to M.G Road (well you can understand how nice it was, only if you know in which corner of the city I live). Well, ya and from then I was on a roll. Met up with an old friend, he's cute, sweet, baby like someone who'd inspire you to forget things and have fun. And so it began, we met people and more people, some by the end of the day became good friends and some I simply couldn't relate to. But, those with whom I could, it was a great welcome change. Conversations on a completely different tangent, all I remember is laughing, smiling and being happy inside.

Meeting people is certainly fun, and meeting those you can spend hours talking, simply amazing. Once, again I got a little taste of Bangalore city yesterday and trust me it ain't that bad. All you need is right people.

Inspiration

Some days are plain simple lazy, where you seem to be in control of everything, time, work, emotions, people, life in general. You have all the time to pamper yourself, yet you have time to meet people, socialize. Just be yourself, and not running around, to either meet the day's expectations, or running from something, intangible, like emotions and mental clutter.

These kind of days just feel so nice. They happen when you are at peace with yourself. When you have absolutely nothing to lose, or nothing to regret. For me, it happened today pretty unexpectedly. Suddenly, I had all the time to listen, think, love, care, dance, enjoy a lovely shower, clean up my room, and other mundane things. It was always a part of me, but it seemed lost somewhere, because so far I was just too messed up in my head. with this tension and that. From last two days I've been indulging. Indulging in everything that my heart wants. From sleep to ice creams to hugs to back to back movies. I wonder when I stopped living the way my heart wants to? And now that am living that life again, trust me life seems a lot better, happier, and worth it.

I would owe this to a poem written by a friend, when he wanted something and did something totally opposite, just because he couldn't see tears, he denied himself, what he really wanted and eventually regretted it. Sometimes we do learn from others mistakes. Don't know if I have the freedom to share the poem here, but I can share the lines that touched me the most.

You are not sad, cos you made someone happy,
but happy YOU are not,
life maybe a good bargain,
but it'll never be what you sought!

What your heart wants...

I feel majority of the times when we are suffering, is when we deny ourselves what our heart wants, instead of being denied what our heart wants by someone else. Most of the times, we are the culprit.
It could be due to societal pressure, or the fear of hurting someone, or personal bias and fears. But, I have always been a believer of what my heart wants, because I think, that if your heart is not into it, if it's there and yet wants something else, pines for it, or even for a brief second of time, thinks of something that it doesn't have, then that's what it wants. And denying it that, is a big crime. With all this, you'd never do justice to what you're up to, cos somewhere deep inside, it's not what you want.

Something similar happened to me, I took a decision, or rather obliged to a decision, cos at that time, all my heart ever wanted was other's happiness, my happiness was secondary. But, it's human to have feelings of your own, the heart keeps wanting something or the other. And yes, sooner I had expectations of my own, so much that my heart desired, and I had to keep denying myself. That robbed away all my happiness, you cannot concentrate anywhere, cos time and again your mind keeps running to those 'deep hidden inside the cover' thoughts and it bothers you.

Today, for a change I had the strength to listen to my heart, stop denying it what it wants, and went and openly hugged my friend. And those few seconds were bliss, I am not sure if the feeling was mutual, but yes, for a brief span I saw the smile that I've been looking for from days altogether. I don't know what's the harm in loving someone, caring for someone. I think it's one of the most beautiful feelings. And you know you got it, when a look of that person stirs your heart, when you make efforts to know what's up at the other end, when you make conscious efforts to be in sight or out of sight. You know you're in love, and denying yourself the pleasure. I'd say don't. Cos if you're doing it out of some fear, be it of results, repercussions, struggles, trust me you'd regret it at some point of time, and would never do justice to yourself.

So, if you have someone you really care for, do not think of the consequences, accept it, grab it, before it is too late.

An afterthought

After a long time, am a little confused about my decision. Sometimes, no matter what happens you care for people. Like, my sister says, when you love, you simply love, it has no conditions. From a long time, my strained relationship with a friend was bothering me and it still does. I tried, made various attempts and efforts to make things fine, amicable, but, all my efforts went in vain. I still can't elicit a single smile. I see the pain in the eyes, and affected by the failures of previous attempts, just walk by, and it hurts more. It hurts further when you find out about the conscious efforts made to ignore you, like blocking you in chat lists, passing by as if you don't exist. And the reason behind this, simply beyond me. One can understand if there is some solid reason. But, in this case, I have no reason for me to overcome this coldness.

But, tired of all this, and how badly it affects me, yesterday I decided to stop, put an end to it. So far, since, I could not talk face to face, I'd ask people to take care of my friend, try to find out how he was doing? And I'm aware he was doing something similar. But, if we really care, do we have to depend on people, and can people really judge how we really feel? I knew this was no way to go on. But, since my efforts to ask directly were rejected, I was left with no choice, but to resort to indirect methods. But, yesterday I decided to give up on that. I no longer want to indulge in what people have to say, I'll wait for the day, when I have the courage to go ask again, and he has the courage to face me, like he is, and not the facade he puts up.

But, this exercise wasn't as simple as I thought. I knew the people I asked to take care of him, or I relied on for some details, but I knew very few that he was in touch with. I had to slowly, stage things, bad mouth him, cos when you praise someone, it might reach them, but when you speak ill of someone, you are sure it'd reach them. This and a lot of other efforts put in together gave out people I had to avoid to cut off this indirect communication we were indulging in. It hurt and it still hurts. I just hope one day I'd be able to communicate the same to him, and we'll both have enough courage to accept things, as they are, with no pretense.

Abstruse

Promise after promise,
one breaks, the other abides,
Everyday I see some changes,
and it breaks me inside,
Is it the same person I knew a while back?
Go through the words, memories and pictures,
but, seem to have lost track,
What seemed a mystery perfectly cracked,
suddenly seems blurred, obsolete,
cos the one I notice, the one I see,
makes me feel, I never knew thee...

Why? I look for an answer,
guess even that's too much to ask for,
One look, one smile,
expecting all the while,
expectations at times can be so vile,
tried to save, tried to fight,
but, this burning fire, seems to be losing light,
tried to explain, to see sense,
ridiculed nonsense,
not even a word would I utter hence,
my ultimate defence,
the unfathomable fence...

B'lore like never before

Ever since I have moved to Bangalore, I realized this was one city that could not grow on me, try as I might I could not fall in love with it. But last night I realized, that it is because I never gave it a chance.

After talking to my mom, and hearing out what she had to say, I was amazed by how a mother thinks. Her response to the whole situation was so unbiased. I guess a mother, if she has cared for someone, even for the shortest of time, thinks of them as her own kids. And a mother is never partial with her kids. To her all kids are equal. She'd always be worried and concerned equally. She knew that I know she cares for me, so the first question she asked was, 'Is he fine? Do you want me to talk to him?' I was speechless. Hats off to moms. I realized that I had a lot to learn.

It was almost 3 in the morning, and I was still thinking about it, when suddenly I decided to pick up my vehicle and embrace the city, give it another chance. So, off I go, all alone on the road, simply following the turns, as the chill of the morning welcomed me, showing a new, lovely, quiet side of the city. I couldn't help but give in to its charms. The beauty in greenery, the abandoned construction sites, the cool breeze next to the lakes. Simply amazing. For a change, I did not feel alone, scared or intimidated. I rode on till the dawn broke and then quietly returned home, snuggled in my cosy blanket and slept one of my most peaceful sleeps after some 2 months.

Calculations

Today morning, my roommate and I had a strange discussion that kind of sorted out a lot of things for me, but even confused me to a certain extent.

All around me, people are breaking up, making up, getting married and divorced. It all seems complicated. While discussing this we suddenly jumped to the ideal age of when we'd like to get married. And suddenly, I blurted out 27-28, followed by my reasoning for it.

I think for a woman it requires a lot of calculation. In my case, by the time I graduate I'd be touching 27, given I take a few months to settle down in my new job, start dating someone, it'd take another year to actually decide that this is the right guy. But, for women their biological cycle matters a lot, it is advisable to have a baby before one touches 30. Also, I believe that one needs atleast a year and a half into a fresh marriage before one plans for a kid, both to keep the newly married spirit alive and preparing for the new responsibilites. Taking all this into consideration, if I calculate back, I should be actually seeing someone right now to follow through this plan without any complications. Hehe... All this and I was like, God! what has life come down to? Even realtionships need to be calculated! Life is really funny...

Confession

Last winter when I was home, for the first time in my life I lied to my family. I lied to my mom with whom I've always been open and always shared such details, lied to my sister, my best friend. All for nothing. I lied to people who'd never leave my side for someone who left my side in a few hours of decisive moment and never tried to look back and talk to me again, never once came and asked me, 'How do you feel?'

The week that passed by, had been a week of confrontations and confessions for me, and there was a long list of people I had jotted down to confess to, but I had decided to make it face to face. The results as mentioned in the previous post were very positive, and the guilt of lying to my loved ones was bogging me down, so for a change I decided to deviate from the rule. I picked up the phone, and with one hello, she knew, she knew something was wrong, and I narrated everything. Though it's been a long time since I overcome the whole situation, but talking to her, and hearing out what she had to say about it, brought a sense of peace and satisfaction deep inside.

Trust me, there's nothing like parents in this world, so understanding, loving and forgiving. Always guiding you in the right direction. I know there are many who cannot relate to their parents, think that they'd never understand, all I'd say is try, try once, and you'll know, you'd never meet anyone more understanding than your parents and siblings. All you have to do is talk, talk with full faith and honesty.

Sometimes you just have to ask for it...

I've always been a person who simply shuts down when it comes to emotions and complications. Other's feelings and emotions become a priority. What I feel and want go hiding somewhere, so deep that sometimes even I don't know what exactly would I have preferred in that situation.

But last week was different, I made a list of what I always wanted to say to people and couldn't because at that moment their happiness was important to me. And with the list, I made a decision to meet those people one on one and have the courage to say it on their face, whether it was love, hate, regret, concern, warning. Small sentences like, 'I'd still like you to be my best friend', or 'I still love you', or like 'Your girlfriend is a total b**ch, and I don't like her, the sooner you call it off the better', or 'I would have appreciated it if you cared about my emotions too', or 'I'd like you to call me babes again', or 'I'm really proud of you'. Short little sentences, but they had a great impact. For once, I said what i really felt and wanted on people's face and didn't rely on letters and poems. I looked into their eyes and said 'I love you'.

Results of course were amazing. I have my best friend back, one of my good friend called off a miserable relationship he was into, I got lovely warm hugs and kisses and from last 3 days I get messages addressing me as Babes, from a person who first coined the name for me. I got it all, all that I wanted, I just had to ask for it...

Laali

The mumbai trip had a lot to offer in terms of experiences. One of the sweet ones that I'd always remember was with a cute beggar girl.

Two days before the incidence I was street shopping in Mumbai and haggling over a few bottles of nail paint. In the end the price quoted still seemed expensive to me and I walked off, deciding to get it from Pune, which I was sure would be cheaper. And yes, I did manage to get it cheaper in Pune.

Once I joined my friends on the train at Pune, I was proudly showing off my collection of nail paints that I'd managed to get so cheap and discussing the long story of my bargaining skills. That's when this little girl passes by, my guess was she must be 6-7 yrs old, she was cleaning the floor. The moment she set eye on the shiny bottles having colorful liquids, her eyes had a strange expression, an expression I still don't have a term for. And she stood up extending her tiny hands saying, 'Hamein bhi laali laga do'. Usually I do not entertain these kids because I know If I give them money they'd forever stay in this business, never try to get away from it. But, her request seemed so innocent and sweet that I couldn't help myself. I tapped on my thighs asking her to put her tiny, smeared with dirt hands on them, so that I could apply the nail paint on those hardly visible nails. The train was shaky and given my nail painting skills I wasn't sure I'd do justice to those tiny nails. But not wanting to disappoint the little girl, I asked my friend to do the job. Throughout the process, the look on the little girl's face was so satisfying that suddenly the haggling over a 20 bucks worth nail paint and the whole story of it, seemed so futile. All that mattered after that was the the girl's glittering eyes and that innocent smile.

Decisions

Well we all make decisions at some point in our life, some major, some simple everyday ones. But, these decisions somehow make a big difference in future and sometimes have some serious repercussions.

I don't say I have never made wrong decisions, but I kind of feel blessed when it comes to making them, a little trade secret that can't be shared. Hehe. Also, last few months have revealed that all the decisions where I have sacrificed my happiness for someone else's have been one of my best decisions, well atleast for myself.

Last one week I travelled and met up with almost everyone I had left behind for some reason or the other, well let's call it decisions, some theirs and some mine. And what I saw and heard from them was simply surprising. I know am noone to judge right and wrong, but the one's who were right were doing really well and the one's who had wronged me, left me, or I sacrificed for their happiness were in a way paying their dues.

At times it broke my heart, it took a lot of effort to get over the shit I went through to get over the pain they caused me, or the voluntary sacrifices that I had to make, and the only pacifying factor was that I was doing it for their happiness, which seemed lost. It made me question myself. Was I right in leaving them behind? Was I right in never looking back? Never trying to ensure that they are actually happy or not. But, then isn't it their decisions? Didn't I just oblige to whatever they asked for, without thinking even once about what I want? But, coming to think of it, once or twice I tried and was just given a cold shoulder cos at that moment they were happy and proud of their decisions. At the end of the day it's all very complicated. The key is not to question and just let it flow. Life just balances things for everyone, someday, someway.

Back again

Well last one week was amazing. My best time after moving to Bangalore from Pune. Apparently it was not in Bangalore, but a trip to Mumbai and Pune. Yes, Mumbai, the city I was scared of stepping foot in.

We started our journey on Friday with the majority of the batch travelling together. The journey was fun, with games, talks, revelations and lovely landscapes. But somewhere deep down the fear of the city was bogging me down. A friend of mine once promised me he'd show me around Mumbai whenever I come down. Though we are not on good terms anymore, somehow this trip felt like it'd change everything, and I was hoping he'd call up to keep his promise. But, he's broken many serious ones and I was wrong in expecting him to keep such a vague one. While I was thinking over these things, a common friend of ours mentioned an incidence involving the forementioned friend which changed the whole scenario. Suddenly I felt like such a fool to be expecting or depending on someone. That's simply not me. And this led to a lot of introspection and a new zeal and enthusiasm to explore the city on my own, all by myself, the way I was, the way I used to. So, I think I was right about the change part. It did change everything. And the trip was amazing and so was the city.

We had gone down to Mumbai to attend a conference. Everyday I'd wake up at 6 in the morning, freshen up, go to conference, attend it till lunch break and then it was time to break free! At 3 I'd walk out, to explore a new part of the city, and roam around till 3 in the morning, allowing me some 3 hours of sleep before I hit the next day. We saw all the major tourist spots, travelled in local, saw the slums, street shopped, met lots of old freinds, talked, shared, confessed. Wow! It was fun. And the icing on the cake was a short trip to Pune. Yes, on the last day I left for Pune, having exactly 29 hours on my hand before I had to catch a train back to Bangalore. The enthusiasm was still rolling and those 29 hours were utilized to the fullest. It was simply great. Walking on those familiar roads, hitting my favorite places, meeting an old flame, freshening up the memories, meeting some long lost friends, not sleeping at all. God! I'd go crazy listing it all down here. To confess the truth, am happy, extremely happy. It just feels a li'l weird accepting it, lest something might jinx it. Hehe. It's great to be back again! Back to MYSELF!

The opinion

For someone to survive in this world, it's very important for them to have an opinion about everything that happens in their life. One can't just keep running away, let others decide or rule their life. I have met people who just can't decide till the end moment, get confused and then just end up making a mistake in judgment. They think they are choosing the better, seemingly safer option but little do they realize that they are following what their indecision has led them to. They refuse their heart and mind and just follow the flow, blind and lost. All because, they did not take a stand when they should have, they could not state their opinion when the time was right. You often hear things like, "I don't know!", or "Let's not discuss this.", or "Can we discuss it later?". These are an escapist's statements and sooner one realizes it, the better. At the end of the day, they don't just ruin their life, but often take the people involved down the drain too.

All I want to say is, have an opinion, speak up, speak your heart out, express your wants, confess your sins, say I want it this way and stick to it and marvel at how things fall into place, the way you desire, YOUR WAY!

Bear hugs

Last few days have been all about change, change inculcated, change realized, change reverted. I was just wondering about how much I have changed, how much people around me have changed, how definition of things have changed and surprisingly how we adjust to it.

I have always been a warm person, one whom you can make happy with a simple warm hug and kiss, or even a warm smile. These little gestures bind a relationship of a lifetime for me.

But, as I was thinking I realized how much the definition of a relationship has changed today. What I defined as a chemistry, the lovely feeling, the longing to talk to someone, those cherished few minutes spent with someone talking sense or absolute nonsense, the feeling of wanting to know what your loved one is doing when you are separated without disturbing their space, the longing to talk even when you can't think of anything to talk about and actually ending up talking for hours when you meet up. Also, most importantly supporting each other's growth without losing the independence to take your own decisions, being strong so that you can support each other when one falls down. These were a few things I associated or rather still associate with a relationship. But to my surprise, relations have become pretty materialistic these days. "Oh! he got me a branded perfume!", or "She bought me an expensive tie!". And to confess the truth, I was about to fall for the same. I was going to buy an expensive gift. I was saved at the right moment, one of those times when you have to say, 'Whatever happens, happens for good!'

The little warm gestures like hugs and kisses have been long lost into oblivion. Since childhood I was taught that you can resolve anything with a warm hug.I have followed that till date, but these days things seem to have changed. Hugs, if shared, have become really superficial, a certain amount of hesitation and fear has somehow crept in. How I wish I can change it. Yesterday, I took off on a whim rode down to a slum and gave hugs to all the kids I came across. And to my surprise, when I came back to college, I got a nice warm hug from the least expected person. All I can say is, Thanks, you made my day and reaffirmed my faith in the lovely bear hugs!

Memories

Those memories so fond,
Walking beneath the moon,
No relations, no acquaintance,
Just the presence,
Me and you...

The faint love, present, not there,
The best we could ever share,
If I were to rake the best of our times,
It’d always be walking down those lines...

My World

One moment I was alive, happiness was happy,
sadness unknown...
One moment I was me,
free from this world,
my heart leaping with joy,
one moment I was in heaven,
the hell of life forgotten,
the magnificent world of the heart,
that one moment in your arms,
can thee now push me away?
I am thee, you are me...
Hold my hand and be free with me,
let my arms encircle my world,
you, my little one,
you are my world...

Words

Some letters tucked deep inside my locker,
remind me how am not much of a talker,
What I want, and how I feel,
Will always stay within,
when I face you,
you'll find me smiling still,
Times I wonder, Why always I have to be strong,
Why I have to let go, when I wasn't wrong,

Repeat of a mistake, similar show,
At the end of the day, I take the blow,
I hate these words for deceiving me; when it's time,
Oft I wonder, how things would have been,
If I had said I want you to be mine...

Relief

There are times when you have these clashing thoughts in your mind, like blogging is not me, but yet a few days back I decided to blog, and yesterday I decided to get rid of this blog. But, though I don't like to share, I don't like to give up on things that I start either and hence the decision to keep it going.

Yesterday was a wild day, a day I felt myself back again, the wild ride where you don't want to stop at all, just keep following the contours of the road, people stare at you, cos you're an alien in their territory, the cold breeze gushing by your face, being clueless; not knowing where you are, the relief that if lost, you never have to return to the mundane, sad life waiting back there. The ride of introspection, realizations, conclusions and happiness.

Throughout the ride all I kept wondering was what was it that was bogging me down and could not come up with anything wrong with my life, am still the same girl, full of life, with dreams and goals. All I was worried about was someone's future. But isn't it future, their future, their decisions and their consequences to face? Am not a part of it, and when they are least concerned why should I go about warning and trying to change it, just to be ridiculed. If I really care I should concentrate on today, try to make it better, to give them strength to face whatever they face tomorrow, and promise to be there whenever they need me. That's the way and that's how it should be...

No reason...

At times people just love to stretch things beyond limits for no reason whatsoever. Like this friend of mine, ok we had this tiny tiff about the most natural things on this earth, we were pissed at each other and didn't talk for a almost 10-15 days. I mean didn't talk at all. But as far as my definition of love goes, its very much unconditional, its not about possessing, owning or calling you mine. Its not that if you said you love me, you have to marry me, or if we were together for sometime means we have to be together always. People change, relationships change. Life is just a struggle to find happiness and love is to see the person you love, happy, be it with you or someone else. Today he's with someone and he's happy and am happy with that cos despite of what happened I still love him in my own way, and want to see him happy.

So yesterday, I wanted to put everything aside and embrace my friend again. Share his joys and happiness. To share the chemistry and how it made us work towards good ends. SO I mail him, breaking the long silence, requesting him to put it all aside. Well no response, then I call him up, first he picks up and pretends he doesn't know who's calling, then quickly changing to things, this and that, he says he promises to be normal again. I haven't experienced any of that normalcy so far, the same friend who used to message me, ping me, call me to let me know what's up without eating up my space. And strangely I don't see any reason for it.

But then this world is funny, you never know what goes on in people's mind... Bah...

All I need...

Everyday we learn how to live,
is it all about when to smile and deceive?
Or keep giving, with no expectations to receive?

Would it matter if I'm there,
will it make a difference,
Or am I just a fool,
confused trying to make sense?

People make mistakes and get away,
When will I be lucky enough to leave that way?

Li'l pleasures of life,
they come and go,
only when I ask for them so,
Is a li'l love coming as a surprise asking for more?

Times am weak,yet pretend to be strong,
'cos I don't want them to get me wrong,
its not you, who's breaking me inside,
but it hurts to confide,

all I need is a li'l assurance,
without the regular nonchalance...

Calamity and cleanliness...

Few days back in our photography class, we were going through these presentations where everyone had to come show their favorite five pictures and explain why they liked them in a few words.

One of the pictures and its explanation struck me. It was totally different from normal perception of things, or so I felt. It was a picture of empty rain swept road, with a bent tree, maybe due to the heavy wind at the sight, giving out an image similar to the images broadcasted on television after some torrential rain or a tsunami has hit a place. Now oft such images would trigger a sense of depression, sadness, helplessness or sympathy in someone, but this barren picture that stood in front of me, just appeared plain clean as if the road and trees have received their much awaited shower, the road being the slick clean body and the water dripping trees the wet tresses after a lavish shower. And strangely a similar thought was mentioned by the girl showing the picture taken by her. Though it was a shock to know that someone saw the same exact thing in something that I saw, cos it often happens that I end up seeing some weird things in something that maybe people can't relate with. But, keeping all that aside I suddenly realized that we were exposed to a completely different emotion by that picture. Cleanliness, positive calmness, peace are some words one would hardly associate with a calamity. In fact antonyms of all the above would rather go well in describing a calamity. Its strange how human brain thinks and associates emotions or should I say strange emotions to things they see...

Intimacy in today's world

I was just going through some random images and infographics on internet, when I came across this particular image which reflected the 10 levels of intimacy used in today's world, which ranged from twitter to social networking sites, to calls, emails and messages.

On going through the whole list I realized that there were a few even am used to using. The means being SMS, emails, letters listed in the order of their prevalence of usage. And suddenly I realized that these were all written modes of expressing myself, where I was nowhere speaking out the words of how I feel, I was using the medium of write ups to convey my messages.This made me wonder, why am I avoiding the means that require to talk or actually express myself, one to one, what I feel, what I really want to say. Is it the fear of being rebuked or not having the power to edit what you communicate? Or something different altogether? Why can't we express the same anger or distaste in front of the person and resort to reason it out through mails? Or why can't we say the same 'I love you' to that person when he/she is around but can text it with an unquestionable ease time and again? Is the current generation totally losing out on the fundamentals of how to communicate, entering a totally virtual world where emotions are subsiding into oblivion? We often hear cases of online meeting up and breaking up, isn't it very strange sort of way to express how you feel about someone? Can it ever compare to the impact of the same expressed one to one looking into your eye? So many questions and no specific answer. Coming to think of it just a few minutes back I messaged 'I love you' for the third time in the day to someone, whereas I've never spoken these words in front of them ever. With this I vow to try and say the same in front of them, will I be able to do that, when they are around? God only knows! Thanks, to this virtual world, for killing all my one to one communication skills!

Is it love?

Well enough of me venting out my frustrations. Time to share some real stuff.

Is it love? Or oh God Am I in Love? Questions we ask ourselves many a times. At the ripe age of 24 we are all dying to fall in love and I mean literally fall into it, just simply dive whether you float and so called parachute of love lets you float for a while or you simply fall down with a thump with a broken bone or two and definitely a broken heart. But one’s still amazed by the speed with which the cells of that broken heart regenerate and start thumping for the next sweetheart you come across and believe me or not, at times every person you come across seems to be a genuine sweetheart. Reason being that he/she is just like you, failed to bag a ‘stable relationship’ when it was the right time and now is desperately looking for one before it is too late.

So you come across this person extremely hot, smart, lively, fun to be with (every time you meet you end up wrestling, pillow fighting, and boxing) and yes have the right pay package too. God! Everything’s going great, five to six dates down the lane and you think you couldn’t be more in love, and yes you’ve learnt all the do’s and don’ts from all your previous short lived relationships, with those so very much on your mind you slowly tread on the fragile, dainty path to make this dream come true.. Oh! Do I see you smiling? I know you’ve already dreamt how you want him to propose to you, how you want that cute little wedding to be, and pictures together on a romantic beach and not to forget one with a baby in your arms!!!
You’ve made many public appearances together at times a way too flashy to make all those ex’s jealous to the core, and yes just in case you find that one of them is still looking eyes wide open, you leave no stone unturned to make him notice you with your beau!

Suddenly you are beautiful, most lively person on this earth, keeping up till late not wanting to miss a single second of being awake to be with the so called soul mate, and yet next day wake up early for work, dress up the best you can just in case you bump into each other during office hours. Compliments here there everywhere, you are extremely good at your work because you seem to be the happiest person on this earth, with nothing to brood upon (oh god! Do I look that bad? Or why am I still single?).

You know all the recent happenings on this planet, you have literally photocopied the news on your daily, just in case we run out of topics to talk about I am empowered to open a new one in a jiffy, or show how concerned I am by quoting the statistics of people affected by a catastrophe and how the pictures made me cry, and how the hell could the media do this? And not to forget those wily politicians. Last but not the least sports, that works like magic, you know it won’t be a risk as most of them are an ardent fan of something or other and by this time you certainly know what it is, as time and again you’ve been pissed and tried real hard not to show when you see him paying more attention to that bloody game instead of you, but still there you were right next to him, getting him drinks and food, stroking his hair, and time and again asking questions trying to show how interested you are in this match where all you can see is some hot men sweating it out, hurting themselves but god only knows why???? I don’t say there are no exceptions to it at all, there can be women who love sports but never more than the attention they think they deserve, because they think it’d be better to go shopping or be flashing you as some booty they’ve bagged and are really proud of. And just in case there are men not interested in sports (I know am talking about a rare species), don’t worry he’d never accept it, being the man that he is. And then in that case you can always bet on porn!

All this and in a few weeks, moving on to months and maybe a year, you know this person like a well read book, page by page, para by para, or should I say word by word? There starts the dwindling of interests, suddenly others lives seem so very more interesting and fun. You find yourself with the most boring guy on this planet and you are the most unhappening couple! This is not what I was looking for! You scream and walk off! End of an extremely hilarious, lovey-dovey(I don’t remember when!) , expensive (oh like hell! What do I do with that Gucci dress I bought last weekend?) story!

Sad, heartbroken, lost you walk in next day, trying real hard to look bright and making efforts to brighten up your day, everything’s so gloomy till you see this shining face, in his crisp clean shirt, angelic smile and oh so cute! God! Why didn’t I notice him before??? And so begins the next story… With a hot steamy date in your very new Gucci dress!

But I must thank all the men in life so far, there’s no one I didn’t learn anything from. I would call these experiences my royal grooming. Once I came across this guy who loved poetry, and suddenly I was a poet, which thanks to him I still am, and I know am good at it, the only thing I don’t know is his whereabouts, if only I could thank him. There’s so much I’ve learnt and explored and it only helps me learn and explore further. Oh! Am I thankful to those men who came and left like a gentle breeze and to those who came in like a storm, romped my little fairy world, left me in tears and those I ruined to get over what I went through. And to those who are reading this, if you are one of them, am thanking you again, as its one of you who has inspired me to write the same.

The reason

I was never a blogger, as I held my privacy way too dear, but last 3 months my privacy has been exposed so openly that nothing seems my own anymore, and hence the decision to share.

Though the constant trespassing was irritating morning opened my eyes in such a way that I'll never forget.

At times you meet such liars and hypocrites in life who use you and abuse you beyond any limits and leave, clean of any sin, and in turn blame it all on you and shout back. I recently met such a guy, I regret every moment spent with him, for what I saw this morning as the whole table turned against me and he stood still grabbing on to his love as she hurled accusations at me, whereas all I wished was for them to be happy. Sometimes I feel its right, there's no justice for true human beings, people use them as toilet papers and flush them once they are done, having the cheek to ridicule them, when they are soiled by their own dirt. Little do they realize how much pain they are causing to others, and they easily climb up the ladder of success, nothing bad ever happens to them. I wish I could be one of them. But, guess I was brought up with such discipline and principles that doing wrong to someone just doesn't come naturally. You'd go to any extent for others happiness, even if it means sacrificing yours at times. Hoping someday it'd pay off. Am just waiting for that day...