The question why?

WHY? It's a question I often ask myself. And there are lot of times when I am simply unable to get a decent convincing answer. And more over this happens when the object of concern is not me.

You tend to think that after so many years of experience of dealing with people and knowing them, you would be able to predict their actions or their behavior, or through a common pattern of behavior seen in past, you'd be able to generalize and be able to come up with the reaction in such and such situation. But to my dismay, no, that's not true. Despite of knowing those people well enough, I often come across me asking myself, why would someone do that?

I guess I am biased, I still try to look at people and judge them through my eyes. But, soon that turns out to be wrong as I suddenly ask myself that knowing this, and given so and so situation the valid action of this person should have been this. But alas! it's not. So clearly am judging them based on their behavior itself.

So, what is it that we are getting at? I think I figured that since everything around us has started to have a fixed input and a fixed output, we have started to expect a similar pattern with everything. Even if it's humans we are talking about. We need simple physical logic for everything. Whereas humans are the most interesting creatures of all. The reason that life is so interesting is that, most of the actions around you, be it of your friends, relatives, colleagues are not governed by logic, but by a complex equation of a lot of things. Making them predictable and yet so unpredictable at times. But then that's the part that makes the life and everyday so interesting. Just imagine how would it be if you knew everything coming our way, everything good and sly, barring the need to ask why?

Turning off the technology

I was just wondering that with all the technology around us and so called social networks and mobiles, and tablets everyone has become so approachable, or rather vulnerable, people know about each and every second of your life, so when you actually feel like talking to them, there's hardly anything to talk about. The attention spans are low, the quality times and conversations are just simply taking a hit. The moment someone says, guess what I did this weekend and snap comes the reply, 'Yeah I read your facebook update!' and the conversation which could have been so beautiful just dies down due to a one liner, or a bunch of pictures.

Though am not the social network kinds, you'd hardly find out anything about my life there, and I hardly talk to people about my life, but somehow I still feel that somewhere the technology is still coming in my way of having a fulfilling conversations. I may sound like a hopeless romantic, but I miss those days when conveying or talking to some distant person meant writing to them, ah! that sweet eager time spent waiting for the reply, but alas! now my each and every action since the time I wake up to sleep is known, and there's nothing left to share.

Guess I've had enough, so I want to experience my old world again. I hope that's not a crime. So here I am, taking a bow, and saying goodbye to my phone for the next as many days I can live without switching it on, and same goes for facebook and messengers, chat engines. I do hope I've not become a victim of technology and give up sooner than I expect to. So wish me luck to leave the technology behind and live my good old days once again...

When you wake up, it's morning!

There are days in your life, when you just know that there's so much on your list of things to do and yet you don't have the time, and more importantly motivation to do the same. There's so much on my list too, and since I have been living alone, there's so less time. Half the day goes by just taking care of the domestic needs and rest half taking care of myself and the so called important work, which needs my focus looking at it in the coming short term. And hence, the other important things keep taking a back seat all the time. For ex: I was learning Japanese an year back, and soon the other short term important things kept shifting that to the back seat, and now here I am, totally lost touch, not pursuing my passion anymore. All because there's no motivation to pick up that thick book and struggle with the letters again! When did the passion become a struggle? And why do I need motivation from an external factor? Isn't it me who needs to take care of that part? Who else understands my passions and needs more than me. Like I always say, nobody can keep you happy unless you want to be. So here I am, writing this and motivating myself, that one day I want to be equally fluent in Japanese and express the same on my blog, in Japanese. There's always a new day and a new morning. And to all who are waking up a little late like me, it's 'Ohayo Gozaimasu!'

Just as I am

Sometimes some songs take you back the memory lane. Just today I was listening to Just as I am, by Air Supply and I experienced something similar. This used to be one of my favorite songs at some point of time, and I used to truly believe in this, that if someone loves me, he/she has to love me, just the way I am. But, when I look back through all the relationships and friendships and acquaintances, there were so many times when I simply couldn't be myself, cos I knew I would not belong if I would have been myself. And no matter how much each of us claims that we never do it, we know we do, we are different, another person, wearing another skin in front of every different group of people. Just that we refuse to accept it. But, a few days back I was reminded of the fact that somewhere deep down am trying, trying my best to be myself and am close, cos in the middle of an argument, I could scream and scream out loud, that this is me, this is the way I am, and if you want to love me, love me the way I am, and not the way you want me to be.

This is for everyone trying hard to come out of images created by them to be loved, appreciated, cared for, don't worry, there will be a day when you'll stop being someone else, there will be a day when you will find the person who will accept you for all your goods and all your flaws and answer your plea to be loved the way you are, in an affirmative. And that would be the day to lose yourself in that person's arms...

About changes...

Last few days I have been talking to all my old friends, catching up, updating them, getting updated. And though am not the kind to keep in touch, and this calling once in a while is enough for me to keep in touch and remain in touch, I realized something common among all the conversations that I had in last few days. Blame it in my not keeping in touch, or on them not having seen me for a long time, they still remember me as what I was some 6-8 years ago. Since then lot has changed. I believe I have changed. And I have changed a lot. And in a lot of matters for good. I am stronger, don't trust so easily, have better outlook towards life and other things. But strangely somewhere at the corner of my mind I could relate to the girl that they were talking about as well. I could still feel that somewhere she's a part of me, and for a second I was horrified that am I still the same, the emotional fool, the cry baby, have I not changed at all? But on a later introspection I realized that i was bound to relate to all that, and feel it as a part of me, cos somewhere deep down it was. It was me, so what if in past, so what if I have changed, it's those moments, those successes or those failures, those rights and those wrongs, that have made me what I am today. And today I stand proud of what I am, then it's all thanks to those days, which make make me who I am. Also, now when I know that if i can change so much in the past few years, I can always change to something else later. And change for good. All those things that seem impossible right now can very well be possible tomorrow, or few years down the lane. And then I'll once again look back and take a stock of how far I've come...

Wow! So for today, all I can say is thank you for reminding me of the girl that I was, and the girl that I am. And the girl than I can be...

What to do next?

There are days when you feel simply lost, with no clue what to do next, what to think about, what actions to take. At times it happens cos somewhere deep down your mind is forcing you to abandon all the work and sit straight, relax and enjoy the calm and peace which has been finally achieved after a long struggle. But, then there's also this thought running somewhere at the back of your mind, have I seriously taken care of everything? Is it all done? Or do I need to do a little more? Well I wouldn't know till the time am judged for it. So I guess I just have to patiently wait, to be judged and depending on the reactions take further steps.

So that leaves me to the same question. What to do next? Here I am trying to jot the exact thoughts in my mind. Well there's a lot. Lots of pending jobs and things to do, which I have been conveniently pushing aside to achieve this nothing more to do phase, but once you get there, you realize you don't really want to be here, you would rather have something to do at your hand. And so I open the list of things to do, which I had marked as not so important and go through them and a quick realization, so many of them have become important now. And here I have another long list of things to do, before the same quiet, what to do next phase comes by.

Que sera, sera

Since last few days am living a new life, for the first time I have shifted to a place all alone. So far I've always had a room to myself but a flatmate to always remind me of the presence of human kind in the house. This is the first time am alone in the entire house. There's nobody to greet me when I step in, or nobody to have a single meal with, nobody's mess to be cleaned or feel bad about. Its just me, me and me. And though I thought or for a moment felt that it might be a bad feeling, I think am enjoying it. I walk around in the house like a princess, everything is arranged just the way I'd want it and kept where I can find it. Though at times I feel that without the disturbance it's convenient to locate anything or be myself in the house, but at times I wonder will I get bored of the so called 'Me' routine? I think and I ponder, and then I say to hell with it all, let's be happy and enjoy while I can. Que sera, sera... Whatever will be, will be....