Way back into love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Music & Lyrics
Way Back into Love - Hugh Grant feat Haley Bennett

Just another day

Four days in Delhi, three days in Delhi Metro and I already have so many stories to tell. An hour in the ladies compartment and you learn so much, there's a lot of entertainment, lot of chaos, interesting people, fashion tips and what not.

Every person you look at has a story about them, be it the pretty girl huddled in the corner, or the group of bubbly girls laughing out loud, even the fat aunties, who eat up twice the seating space or the forever complaining, I think am smart girls. But, today's experience was something that made me think.

We had just begin our journey, and most of us were seated, it was quiet and comfortable, till this lady enters with her two kids, dressed in uniforms, shabby ones for that, with dirty unzipped bags, and no they were not poor. They seemed like well to do people, just careless, running late as usual. She stomps in throws the bags on the floor, runs around the compartment and somehow arranges for her son to sit. The daughter seemed like the meek one, and for two stations few girls came in and made the other passengers adjust to make space for them. Seeing which the mother kept screaming, see this is how it's done. Then the girl gives her a notebook and a really worn out paper, which am sure was a crisp A4 sheet a few minutes back. Now the mother strolls around the compartment looking for a decent place where she can sit and write a note, as she comes to the corner next to my seat and seeing her dilemma I offer to write the letter for her. She refuses. And hints her daughter to come over, then she says if you can kindly let her sit, we will just get down at the next station and she has fever. Obviously I cannot deny a child so I get up. 5 stations pass by, and she's writing, scolding her daughter every second, giving her the bad looks, making the little girl squirm in her seat. And I wondered I could feel for a strange little girl while her mother seemed least concerned. The last straw being her asking her daughter who seemed to be around 8 yrs old, if she had packed her medicines and when the daughter took out the medicine looking eagerly for appreciation, she flares up saying you fool, you packed the wrong one. Can't you even do a single thing properly? Now go to school and suffer. No medicine for you! I was like what? Is she seriously the mother?

But, the story continues, suddenly on the next station this woman notices someone and goes running to the other door. In a few seconds she's back with another girl and hands over the notebook to her to write the letter. And now she asks her sick daughter to vacate the seat for the letter girl(the seat that was originally mine). I am like ok, let her finish the letter and I shall get my seat back since the sick girl is not seated anymore. To my surprise the station finally arrives where the family is supposed to alight, the woman quietly says to the new girl, 'Listen, we are off you be seated and carry on with your journey.' Bah! I said enough. And ended up asking the girl to vacate my seat, who surprisingly got up that very instant. Thank God! Cos I was prepared to fight for it. Hehe... And then the journey continued...

Party time...

All of a sudden I feel I have a lot of time at hand. And yes, it feels good. I have time for myself, time to be with me, time to do what I like the most. No deadlines, no responsibilities. Just me and only me. And I am loving it.

So it's time to pamper myself, indulge, shop and enjoy. Updates later. Hehehe...

And I woke up...

I woke up with a smile today, I woke up with a reassurance. I woke up to a new day, where things seemed going my way. I woke up to a day I am happy living, I woke to people am happy loving. I woke up feeling lucky to have you in my life; untypical, secure and none of those strifes.

To learning and following...

I have seen a lot of relationships sky rocket to success and crumble at the same time. The ones that were successful were solely for the reason that the partners trust each other with their lives, are willing to stand by each other through thick and thin, form their own opinions and not the ones influenced by others, never doubt the other person's intentions cos they truly believe in each other and their obvious good intentions for each other. Whereas slipping on any one of the above could definitely lead to a steep downfall. And I don't say this without any experience, rather it's from my own personal experience. Times as a victim and at times as the villain. But, learning is often more important than experiencing. We might experience something a hundred times, but it's what we learn out of it that matters the most.

Yesterday I was in such a situation which expected me to exercise my learning, but sadly both of us failed. But, call it my luck, or believe in the fact, that it's never too late when you love someone, things are better now, and yes we did learn our lesson. To trust, to believe, to love and to be happy. Cos come what may, what matters in the end, is the trust, the belief, the blind faith in each other, be it love, loyalty, intentions, so called truths or lies...

Today's Lesson

I wonder how life teaches us something everyday. Today's learning came really early in the day. I was getting late for office, and wanted to run as fast as I could. The moment I am out on the road. I see this cute little hand rising ahead of me, and when I look up to his face, his eyes are screaming please stop and take me along, I focus clearer on the picture and I see it's a little boy dressed in red and white with a big bag on his back, and along with him there's another shy friend. Despite of getting late I hit the brakes, and there comes a super happy voice, Akka, and the other guy prods him with his elbow, and the guy switches to English. "Sister, can you please drop us to school, we are late!" I was like so am I, hop on. And as those tiny lightweights adjust themselves on the tiny seat, we start. And all I can hear is happy giggles, fun, excitement to be on a two wheeler, a scooty, which most of my friends ridicule.

It reminded me of my childhood, when sitting in front of that Hero cycle seat, as I was dropped to school, or siting on Dad's scooter, or forget sitting standing in front, braving the wind, dust, grasping everything that these tiny eyes could, I was the happiest kid ever. My Daddy was my hero. He was the best.

But as I grew up, so did my demands and my needs. Suddenly that scooter was an embarrassment, I wanted them to have a car. Then the car, with a stereo. Then with A/C. And now what is a car if it doesn't have a power steering, power window or auto lock? How greedy and dissatisfied we become once we grow up? That simple hero cycle that made us laugh, giggle is no longer cool? What is the definition of cool? We loved to walk or cycle long distances, and the pleasure of 'tinga-tolis' when your parents grabbed one arm each and you felt like you are the happiest kid alive, swinging in the air. Or the little piggy back rides.

God! I miss those days when little things brought so much happiness and excitement. When I didn't worry about people and society. When I wasn't greedy. When my Daddy was my Hero, and my cycle my Spaceship that would take me anywhere in this Universe! Where a Colgate box could transform into the train, car, plane, ship or anything for that matter. When a box of crayons with just 12 colors was the greatest possession. When Rajma Chawal for lunch was a feast and summer breaks meant playing with friends in the park and relishing Mangoes. When rains were for dancing naked on the terrace and catching tadpoles one of the favorite pass time. When stones and marbles were treasure and lollipops lasted for hours. I can go on and on... But I think we all get the drift. We all understand. And I hope we all learn something from it....

The countdown

While crossing my days out on the calendar for my next milestone, I realized that how we set our targets towards all happy milestones, and pull through certain bad days looking forward to those milestones. The moment I feel low about something, I look at what all awaits me next and it just peps me up. The sheer joy of calculating the number of days left to a particular occasion, time and again, watching the days fall out one by one, as you draw close to the target, the day you have been waiting for. The pleasure of striking out those days in the calendar. The joy of planning your next milestone, the dreams, the happiness.. Ah! It feels good...

And I have 49 days for my next target, well 35 actually... :P

Women 101

We've always heard men saying that they cannot understand women, but I guess I will be the first woman to say I don't understand men! Not at all... Yes, I thought I did, and took pride in the fact, but circumstances have forced me to believe otherwise. For starters I would like to clear certain things about us, and by us I mean women.

1) We don't think too much. Even we like to take things and life lightly. Not everything is a calculated, convoluted bag of emotions and thinking and everything else that makes the brain go crazy.

2) We like to keep things simple. No messing with our brains and hearts with indecisiveness, under confidence etc etc...

3) We change, we evolve. If things were not right then, doesn't mean they will remain wrong forever. If things were sad then doesn't mean they won't be happy forever. We are optimists and believe in living life as and when it gives us opportunity to. We simply believe in the fact that in future we might grow fat and ugly and end up losing out on chance to live the life we could have. So, we live for today. I Like something I like it. I hate something I hate it. Today Purple is my favorite color, tomorrow it would be red. But, how does that affect you is the question? So, don't mess your head around with it, and spare me some space.

4) We need space and time. Not to avoid you, but to face ourselves. Spend time with ourselves, to understand the change in us, the bring the change in us. We are never satisfied with the way we look today, and will never be. Just cut us some slack, and let us be with ourselves, for whatever it might be, a big pamper myself time at the parlor, or our beauty sleep, or just gossiping with our friends. And I guess you should like it, given how annoying you find us, when we just keep talking, I am sure even you long for that space.

5) We like to multi-task. And unlike you we don't suck at it. But, I'd also point out that when a woman is listening to you, putting everything aside, she's serious. She's damn serious, she wants this conversation or whatever little thing you are doing. And if you don't pay attention then, then you are definitely calling for trouble.

6) We like to loved and taken care of. The man who loves us truly has definitely been noticed. But, don't try to become our parents, we already have one, we don't need more. We need something we'll ask for it, and if you really love us so much you'll know when we need it. So, simple thing is when we don't just let us be, let us make our own decisions, trust us, we can't be wrong always, and if sometimes we are, isn't there something called learning from our mistakes? Like you never made any....

All this, and I guess that's it. Everything else is something or other that falls under one of these umbrellas. Guess that makes us simple, the only reason I think men find us difficult is probably because they think too much. I mean way too much, for their brains to fathom. I might sound a bit feminist here, which I usually am not, but sorry, last few years and the men around me and my interactions with them have led me to believe that unknowingly they think too much. And the parameters and the process are so alien to our thinking that I guess I will never understand them at all. Not that I want to... I am happy with myself... :P

Kutti's Saree

I noticed something beautiful yesterday while cooking; from my kitchen window I can see the terrace of the adjacent building, I see a lady and her daughter Kutti, well there's a lot to tell about Kutti, but let's just concentrate on this bit.

So, I see Kutti and her mother(who happens to be a maid) on the terrace where the mom is drying some clothes which might very well be of Kutti's size, but no, it's not those clothes that tempt her, but a dupatta which is very similar in print to her mom's saree. She runs with it while the mother screams for her to return it, and quietly gets behind the tiny room on the terrace, maybe mimicking her mom's action when she changes clothes, innocently hiding from the only person she knows can see her changing. Little does she know that the side that she's hiding on directly faces my window. Now, this tiny girl, 4-5 years of age, all excited, starts draping the dupatta on herself like a saree, and as I notice, yes, she's good. She knows all the tricks of draping the saree. The one round on the waist, the pleats, resting the remaining length of the cloth on your shoulder, making the pallu. I look at her and am amazed, I still can't get the hang of wrapping a saree perfectly.

What amazes me further is when done she runs to her mother to show it and is screaming 'Bilkul aapke jaise!'. This reminds me of how I wanted to be just like my mother when I was a kid, I wanted to dress like her, look like her, and yes, for a brief time I even wanted to be a lawyer like her. All I can hope is that Kutti dreams of something better,that all the hard work her mother puts in to have a decent living for her child pays off, and we see a Kutti who makes her mother proud, the same way she did when she jumped outside the hidden wall to surprise her mom in the saree.

Honey! You have my full support...

I guess I have learned the hard way round. You can get away with being honest and outright when it comes to strangers, but you can't when it comes to close ones. They would simply take offense and will refuse to understand your single point and instead you will end up facing all the music. And in the end regretting why did I even bother, couldn't I just let things be the way they were, make my peace with it and forget, adjust to it. Make a little compromise. After all, everyone says, relationships take a little compromise, how am I so special to be an exception?

So, I guess from now on I shall fight with the whole world, but when it comes to loved ones, it would just be, Honey! You have my full support. And try and see how far can I get. And if the curbed feelings and truth hurt too much, maybe I will fight them too, but I shall never express my hurt feelings to those little few.

And if anyone reading this, feels bad or offended, am sorry I didn't intend to, I was just mocking at how things are, and how they can be. So either believe it and be a sport, else you know Honey! you have my full support! Hehehe...

What if...

What is it like to be unaware? To not know something, the result, the reason, the thought, the cause... They say ignorance is bliss. Maybe yes, at times. But is it always? What if I knew the reasons, what if I knew why? Would it it have made any difference to what I am, how I behaved or what I did? Guess I wouldn't know until I know.

To the stuff I have lost

From the favorite pen flicked by a stranger,
and friends lost to extreme anger,
to the sweet dream lost to a ringing alarm,
and the lovely thoughts lost to the traffic jam,

I don't miss you today,
Yes, I loved you,
but I no longer that way...

Taking a day off

Last three months have been different, chaotic, with ups and downs and busy.... Super busy... It's like everything wants a piece of me, and I happily give away, but nothing remains for me. I miss reading those books, neatly lined up in my hall, long bought with great enthusiasm, but still brand new, some to such an extent that maybe I haven't even flipped a page.

The list of to do's just keeps getting longer and longer, so much that the sticky note no longer fits into my laptop screen, and has a scroll bar now. Hehe... In the whole day office wants me, the project wants me, the house needs my attention, and so does the laundry bag and the kitchen sink full to the brim with last nights dishes. God! I sound like a housewife!!!!

And yes, then there are people to attend to, yes, living on earth requires you to be a social animal. You have to pick up those calls and listen and share how miserable our lives are and feel exasperated that the cribbing session took away another precious 40 minutes of your time and now you probably have to make up for it from the time you allotted for yourself. It's more like telling yourself, 'No book tonight!' like you often see in the movies where the wife reprimands her husband saying 'No sex tonight!'.. Hehe.. All this and I look back and all I can do is laugh... Yes, am sure anyone reading this will assume that I was doing all this grudgingly, that I don't like it, whereas that's not the case.

We Capricorns are crafted this way. We love the routine, and we set it ourselves, but we love adventure too. We love being independent. We love being left to ourselves. We love to do things the way we want, and when there are factors that mess with our routine, we go crazy. I really feel guilty at times when my boyfriend gets caught up in this crazy whirlwind. But, guess he has a lot to learn. It's a simple trigger, we allot some time to ourselves, and we just want that time and schedule is so well planned that one thing goes amiss and everything falls down and then starts the struggle to get everything back on track and it just goes on... And in all this, where am I? I am still there, with my to do things taking a backseat everyday.

So here I am today, taking a day off, and so far it's a great start. Woke up to my own time, feasted on my favorite breakfast, pampered myself with all the body oils and nice smelling moisturizers, and listening to some good music, writing one of my longest post in quite some time. And am happy. After a long time, though I might have to face an angry boyfriend for just shutting down my phone, ignoring him, but am sure, once am back, I'll make up for it... I already feel better...

People...

It's always great to meet people, people of all kinds, people you never spoke to, people you know very well, people you have been avoiding, people you dread, people you care about, people you fought with. People in general. The talks, the conversations, the gestures, the ideas, the view of life in general is so different, so varied, so colorful. It's great to observe them, listen to them, animatedly talk, explain, justify, laugh, scream, rant. And all you hear is a buzz from where you filter the words you want to hear, react to it and rest is forgotten like the horns in the daily traffic. Yes, it causes slight annoyance, but you got your target in mind, your focus is on the road you need to follow, and you just tread ahead. Some more buzz, and you smile, as you hear things you wanted to, a laughter here there, a distant thought in mind, a goal, a target, calculations in the brain, and yes it all makes sense. Whether this piece does or not, the thoughts in the brain do. They are varied, they are plenty, they are happy, they are sad, but in one thing they are coherent and that is they all originate from one place and that's me. And I understand. I talk, I talk to others, I talk to myself, I talk to you, I laugh at your jokes, I am a part of the little gathering that we have arranged, and so are you. Just the way we used to...

Those were the days...

Last few months as am back in the work circuit, with so called grown up mature people, there are so many things I notice that are different and beyond my understanding.

I still remember the days when as a kid emotions were so simple, we would first just ask for what we want with a simple cute innocent face, if denied we will be angry, mad, or simply make a face and not speak a single word but will make it felt that yes, we did not like being denied what we wanted and in extremes will cry. But, making us laugh again was also as easy.

And we did, if we were sad we cried, if we were happy we laughed. Same as we grew up, though the palette of emotions was larger than it used to be, but yes, it was still discernible, openly expressible and soon forgotten.

But, as we grow up, I wonder why we suppress these emotions, why we hide, why we find it embarrassing that a certain someone makes you smile, or a certain someone makes you cry. Why do we have to make these emotions a private affair? Wasn't the world and life simpler when we wold just shout at a friend, call him or her a liar and next day, be playing with the same person, yesterday's events all forgotten? I see people having hush hush talks in the corner of the toilet, I see someone crying to themselves in some abandoned zone, I see people creating and recreating scenarios in their mind looking for the right opportunity to convey a simple thing that they want to tell someone.

I want those days back when I could simply make a face and say I don't like 'lauki ki sabji', or teacher I did not do my homework, I had a stomach ache. Or I don't like you,'Katti!'. The days that were simple, innocent and the days when I was me and so was everyone...

You and me

You are what you are, because of me,
I am what I am because of thee,

I am love, 'cos you love me,
I am fear 'cos you are afraid of me,
I am pain 'cos I hurt you,
I am happiness, 'cos I bring the smile in you,

You are handsome, 'cos I see you that way,
You are a charmer, 'cos you make me sway,
You are irritating, 'cos you make me squirm,
You are interesting, 'cos together we have fun,

I see you, you see me,
I give meaning to you, and you to me....

Wishes and dreams

I am sure this thought comes to all of our minds once, the thought that how we wish we had a shop of this thing and that we wouldn't let anyone take anything from it, or rather keep it all to ourselves. Hehe...

There are 3-4 such things that I wanted for myself. I simply love shoes, books and stationery, especially fountain pens. There was a time when I fell for bags but it was short lived. I have always been the shoe person. I love to collect shoes that I feel are different from others, that others won't have, making me a subject of envy for others. Hehe... I always wished to have a shoe shop and keep all the shoes in size 5 for myself. Funny how we think when we are kids. And I always thought that now that am grown up, wizened and practical such thoughts wouldn't come to me again, but surprisingly yesterday when I entered a shoe shop and I saw all those cute things displayed right in front of my eyes, and knowing that I had a limited budget to spend on my shoes, once again the thought crossed my mind, how I wish I had a shoe shop. Hehe... And suddenly there was a smile on my face. I quickly picked up the shoe I chose, paid for it and walked out a proud owner of yet another different pair, happy that I had a new shoe, and happier that I still had that kid inside me, that dreams, and you may never know it might just come true... Hehe...

Holi

It was Holi today and I guess it was the first time since I remember that I did not play. I clearly remember there was this one time when for some reason I decided not to play, but in an hour there was this gang of friends barging into my house pulling me out to play, and eventually I had an awesome time.

And today while I sat at home, relaxing just like a usual Sunday, it did not strike me what I missed, till the time I saw the pictures of people, with their faces painted in colors, hardly recognizable, and it reminded me of how much I enjoy this festival, how I love the colors, the water, the play, the pranks, the planning that goes into it on the eve, the bathroom full of blown up water balloons, the ongoing ranting of mom for the next 5 days for ruining the bathroom tiles, the monkey like faces in the class, roads, buses. And as it dawns on me that I missed it all, it certainly doesn't feel good, but then it's life. Yes, I do miss home, my friends, college, and people, but I also know that next year I shall have a rocking Holi once again. And the thought of it, already makes me feel a lot better. Hehe...So, here's wishing I have a great time next year... Happy Holi to everyone....

What a wonderful world!

Music! Yes music.. It's something that can instantly instill various emotions in you, one second happy, the other romantic, deeply in love, glad to be alive, down in deep thoughts, jumping around, smiling to yourself, dancing in the bathroom, swinging in the kitchen, glowing with joy, anything is possible. Any emotion, any feeling. It's the different world of music.. It's a wonderful world...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

These are the lyrics of one of my old time favorite song. What a wonderful world, rendered by various artists in their own unique voices, but trust me, one loop of this song and you can brighten up your day from the darkest of mess. And on one of the better days, in a quiet room you'd simply find yourself smiling away to glory...

Getting back in touch...

There's something that am really bad at, and that's keeping in touch. Over the years, across the various places, schools, colleges, I came across so many people, some grew close, some were just acquaintances, but, now when I look back, there's no one am in regular touch with. Touch in the sense, talking to them, now and then through either real or virtual modes of communications. But strangely, yet am aware of a lot of things happening in their lives, thanks to the social network. Is it why I never feel the need to get back? Cos, whenever am stung by the bug of curiosity I just go through their profiles and moreover get the gist of their lives so far?

But, yesterday as I happened to call an old friend I figured, it's a different thing to listen to people talk and express what they really did, what they feel, what they want. So suddenly, I want to get back, talk, meet the people I left behind in this race of running from here to there, accommodating the new ones, and letting the old ones go. I want to connect, share my joys, my life, and listen to theirs, the wonderful stories, live, animated, things that I missed, things that I cared for... And the effort should start right away...

Bangalore as I remember...

Bangalore the way I remember was this green city that wooed me with it's charms the day I stepped in, with that gentle drizzle and lovely weather. Coming from an arid land of Gujarat, the weather I was met with felt like a dream. Everyday, woke up with a bright yet mild on you sun, just perfect to cheer you up, and then drizzles in the evening to even out the temperature. Perfect place for romance, books, cups of coffees, to snuggle close and share your deepest thoughts. Yes, it grew a little upon you in rainy season as all you would see is rain all day long, and it goes on for quite long, but now that I think of it I was quite fine with it. It gave me a chance to entertain the little kid inside me once in a while.

But, now when I look back, and look at the Bangalore that is now, I feel nothing but pain, I curse the city everyday, the traffic, the construction, the pollution, the weather. No matter how cheerful I step out of my house, to brace the day and do wonders, the city somehow manages to dampen my spirits. I don't see those happy faces anymore playing with the rain, or running here there for shelter, those colorful umbrellas, the young spirit, is all lost, all I see around is sweaty, sad, burdened by their day people, somehow trying to make the day come to an end. I don't think I like the change. If this is the cost one has to pay for development, then I don't think it's worth it....

Penny for your thoughts...

One thing I have never understood is why people take out their frustrations on others? What do they gain out of it? Can't they just sit it out in solitude and get over and then meet people, avoiding the ugly mess, which I don't know if they regret later or not, but leaves hard feelings in others.

What hurts the most is when people are irritated and they refuse to believe you, understand your position, make assumptions and on top of that give proof and defense that they are right and you are wrong. Why can't they for a change understand that there could be truth in what the other person is saying. They might have some reasons, or their action is totally natural but it seems so annoying to you cos YOU are the one who's not in the right state of mind right now.

I have a very simple way of tackling these situations when I feel irritable. I just cut off, spend time with myself and am back jumping like a spring. Not trying to boast that I have never let my irritations overpower my irritations, but ya many a times this steers me through on the right path. But, yes I am yet to master the art of dealing with the irritated others. Especially in the situations where I have simply no clue where did I go wrong, when I have been telling truth and nothing but the truth. It just feels sad to be at the receiving end. If you have mastered the art to deal with the situation, I'd definitely like to give a penny for your thoughts...

I'm Loving it!

There's so much waiting for me in the future that how I wish I could steal one day from future and live it, just to get a tiny glimpse of what's in store for me. I know that might kill the anxiety or the desire to look forward to those days, but what if the days are really really happy and it doubles my wish to live them soon.

It's that time when you finally feel happy, satisfied and look forward to everything, cos somewhere at the back of your mind you know that everything's going to be fine, all in it's right place at right time.I have dreams and plans and things that I have been looking forward to, for a long long time. There are hiccups at times, but the very thought of the dreamy world that awaits me, washes away those obstructions with just one wave. There's a new life, new meaning and a new beginning. It's happy, it's good and romantic..I guess am in love with my life and yes, am loving it!

The question why?

WHY? It's a question I often ask myself. And there are lot of times when I am simply unable to get a decent convincing answer. And more over this happens when the object of concern is not me.

You tend to think that after so many years of experience of dealing with people and knowing them, you would be able to predict their actions or their behavior, or through a common pattern of behavior seen in past, you'd be able to generalize and be able to come up with the reaction in such and such situation. But to my dismay, no, that's not true. Despite of knowing those people well enough, I often come across me asking myself, why would someone do that?

I guess I am biased, I still try to look at people and judge them through my eyes. But, soon that turns out to be wrong as I suddenly ask myself that knowing this, and given so and so situation the valid action of this person should have been this. But alas! it's not. So clearly am judging them based on their behavior itself.

So, what is it that we are getting at? I think I figured that since everything around us has started to have a fixed input and a fixed output, we have started to expect a similar pattern with everything. Even if it's humans we are talking about. We need simple physical logic for everything. Whereas humans are the most interesting creatures of all. The reason that life is so interesting is that, most of the actions around you, be it of your friends, relatives, colleagues are not governed by logic, but by a complex equation of a lot of things. Making them predictable and yet so unpredictable at times. But then that's the part that makes the life and everyday so interesting. Just imagine how would it be if you knew everything coming our way, everything good and sly, barring the need to ask why?

Turning off the technology

I was just wondering that with all the technology around us and so called social networks and mobiles, and tablets everyone has become so approachable, or rather vulnerable, people know about each and every second of your life, so when you actually feel like talking to them, there's hardly anything to talk about. The attention spans are low, the quality times and conversations are just simply taking a hit. The moment someone says, guess what I did this weekend and snap comes the reply, 'Yeah I read your facebook update!' and the conversation which could have been so beautiful just dies down due to a one liner, or a bunch of pictures.

Though am not the social network kinds, you'd hardly find out anything about my life there, and I hardly talk to people about my life, but somehow I still feel that somewhere the technology is still coming in my way of having a fulfilling conversations. I may sound like a hopeless romantic, but I miss those days when conveying or talking to some distant person meant writing to them, ah! that sweet eager time spent waiting for the reply, but alas! now my each and every action since the time I wake up to sleep is known, and there's nothing left to share.

Guess I've had enough, so I want to experience my old world again. I hope that's not a crime. So here I am, taking a bow, and saying goodbye to my phone for the next as many days I can live without switching it on, and same goes for facebook and messengers, chat engines. I do hope I've not become a victim of technology and give up sooner than I expect to. So wish me luck to leave the technology behind and live my good old days once again...

When you wake up, it's morning!

There are days in your life, when you just know that there's so much on your list of things to do and yet you don't have the time, and more importantly motivation to do the same. There's so much on my list too, and since I have been living alone, there's so less time. Half the day goes by just taking care of the domestic needs and rest half taking care of myself and the so called important work, which needs my focus looking at it in the coming short term. And hence, the other important things keep taking a back seat all the time. For ex: I was learning Japanese an year back, and soon the other short term important things kept shifting that to the back seat, and now here I am, totally lost touch, not pursuing my passion anymore. All because there's no motivation to pick up that thick book and struggle with the letters again! When did the passion become a struggle? And why do I need motivation from an external factor? Isn't it me who needs to take care of that part? Who else understands my passions and needs more than me. Like I always say, nobody can keep you happy unless you want to be. So here I am, writing this and motivating myself, that one day I want to be equally fluent in Japanese and express the same on my blog, in Japanese. There's always a new day and a new morning. And to all who are waking up a little late like me, it's 'Ohayo Gozaimasu!'

Just as I am

Sometimes some songs take you back the memory lane. Just today I was listening to Just as I am, by Air Supply and I experienced something similar. This used to be one of my favorite songs at some point of time, and I used to truly believe in this, that if someone loves me, he/she has to love me, just the way I am. But, when I look back through all the relationships and friendships and acquaintances, there were so many times when I simply couldn't be myself, cos I knew I would not belong if I would have been myself. And no matter how much each of us claims that we never do it, we know we do, we are different, another person, wearing another skin in front of every different group of people. Just that we refuse to accept it. But, a few days back I was reminded of the fact that somewhere deep down am trying, trying my best to be myself and am close, cos in the middle of an argument, I could scream and scream out loud, that this is me, this is the way I am, and if you want to love me, love me the way I am, and not the way you want me to be.

This is for everyone trying hard to come out of images created by them to be loved, appreciated, cared for, don't worry, there will be a day when you'll stop being someone else, there will be a day when you will find the person who will accept you for all your goods and all your flaws and answer your plea to be loved the way you are, in an affirmative. And that would be the day to lose yourself in that person's arms...

About changes...

Last few days I have been talking to all my old friends, catching up, updating them, getting updated. And though am not the kind to keep in touch, and this calling once in a while is enough for me to keep in touch and remain in touch, I realized something common among all the conversations that I had in last few days. Blame it in my not keeping in touch, or on them not having seen me for a long time, they still remember me as what I was some 6-8 years ago. Since then lot has changed. I believe I have changed. And I have changed a lot. And in a lot of matters for good. I am stronger, don't trust so easily, have better outlook towards life and other things. But strangely somewhere at the corner of my mind I could relate to the girl that they were talking about as well. I could still feel that somewhere she's a part of me, and for a second I was horrified that am I still the same, the emotional fool, the cry baby, have I not changed at all? But on a later introspection I realized that i was bound to relate to all that, and feel it as a part of me, cos somewhere deep down it was. It was me, so what if in past, so what if I have changed, it's those moments, those successes or those failures, those rights and those wrongs, that have made me what I am today. And today I stand proud of what I am, then it's all thanks to those days, which make make me who I am. Also, now when I know that if i can change so much in the past few years, I can always change to something else later. And change for good. All those things that seem impossible right now can very well be possible tomorrow, or few years down the lane. And then I'll once again look back and take a stock of how far I've come...

Wow! So for today, all I can say is thank you for reminding me of the girl that I was, and the girl that I am. And the girl than I can be...

What to do next?

There are days when you feel simply lost, with no clue what to do next, what to think about, what actions to take. At times it happens cos somewhere deep down your mind is forcing you to abandon all the work and sit straight, relax and enjoy the calm and peace which has been finally achieved after a long struggle. But, then there's also this thought running somewhere at the back of your mind, have I seriously taken care of everything? Is it all done? Or do I need to do a little more? Well I wouldn't know till the time am judged for it. So I guess I just have to patiently wait, to be judged and depending on the reactions take further steps.

So that leaves me to the same question. What to do next? Here I am trying to jot the exact thoughts in my mind. Well there's a lot. Lots of pending jobs and things to do, which I have been conveniently pushing aside to achieve this nothing more to do phase, but once you get there, you realize you don't really want to be here, you would rather have something to do at your hand. And so I open the list of things to do, which I had marked as not so important and go through them and a quick realization, so many of them have become important now. And here I have another long list of things to do, before the same quiet, what to do next phase comes by.

Que sera, sera

Since last few days am living a new life, for the first time I have shifted to a place all alone. So far I've always had a room to myself but a flatmate to always remind me of the presence of human kind in the house. This is the first time am alone in the entire house. There's nobody to greet me when I step in, or nobody to have a single meal with, nobody's mess to be cleaned or feel bad about. Its just me, me and me. And though I thought or for a moment felt that it might be a bad feeling, I think am enjoying it. I walk around in the house like a princess, everything is arranged just the way I'd want it and kept where I can find it. Though at times I feel that without the disturbance it's convenient to locate anything or be myself in the house, but at times I wonder will I get bored of the so called 'Me' routine? I think and I ponder, and then I say to hell with it all, let's be happy and enjoy while I can. Que sera, sera... Whatever will be, will be....