An afterthought

After a long time, am a little confused about my decision. Sometimes, no matter what happens you care for people. Like, my sister says, when you love, you simply love, it has no conditions. From a long time, my strained relationship with a friend was bothering me and it still does. I tried, made various attempts and efforts to make things fine, amicable, but, all my efforts went in vain. I still can't elicit a single smile. I see the pain in the eyes, and affected by the failures of previous attempts, just walk by, and it hurts more. It hurts further when you find out about the conscious efforts made to ignore you, like blocking you in chat lists, passing by as if you don't exist. And the reason behind this, simply beyond me. One can understand if there is some solid reason. But, in this case, I have no reason for me to overcome this coldness.

But, tired of all this, and how badly it affects me, yesterday I decided to stop, put an end to it. So far, since, I could not talk face to face, I'd ask people to take care of my friend, try to find out how he was doing? And I'm aware he was doing something similar. But, if we really care, do we have to depend on people, and can people really judge how we really feel? I knew this was no way to go on. But, since my efforts to ask directly were rejected, I was left with no choice, but to resort to indirect methods. But, yesterday I decided to give up on that. I no longer want to indulge in what people have to say, I'll wait for the day, when I have the courage to go ask again, and he has the courage to face me, like he is, and not the facade he puts up.

But, this exercise wasn't as simple as I thought. I knew the people I asked to take care of him, or I relied on for some details, but I knew very few that he was in touch with. I had to slowly, stage things, bad mouth him, cos when you praise someone, it might reach them, but when you speak ill of someone, you are sure it'd reach them. This and a lot of other efforts put in together gave out people I had to avoid to cut off this indirect communication we were indulging in. It hurt and it still hurts. I just hope one day I'd be able to communicate the same to him, and we'll both have enough courage to accept things, as they are, with no pretense.

Abstruse

Promise after promise,
one breaks, the other abides,
Everyday I see some changes,
and it breaks me inside,
Is it the same person I knew a while back?
Go through the words, memories and pictures,
but, seem to have lost track,
What seemed a mystery perfectly cracked,
suddenly seems blurred, obsolete,
cos the one I notice, the one I see,
makes me feel, I never knew thee...

Why? I look for an answer,
guess even that's too much to ask for,
One look, one smile,
expecting all the while,
expectations at times can be so vile,
tried to save, tried to fight,
but, this burning fire, seems to be losing light,
tried to explain, to see sense,
ridiculed nonsense,
not even a word would I utter hence,
my ultimate defence,
the unfathomable fence...

B'lore like never before

Ever since I have moved to Bangalore, I realized this was one city that could not grow on me, try as I might I could not fall in love with it. But last night I realized, that it is because I never gave it a chance.

After talking to my mom, and hearing out what she had to say, I was amazed by how a mother thinks. Her response to the whole situation was so unbiased. I guess a mother, if she has cared for someone, even for the shortest of time, thinks of them as her own kids. And a mother is never partial with her kids. To her all kids are equal. She'd always be worried and concerned equally. She knew that I know she cares for me, so the first question she asked was, 'Is he fine? Do you want me to talk to him?' I was speechless. Hats off to moms. I realized that I had a lot to learn.

It was almost 3 in the morning, and I was still thinking about it, when suddenly I decided to pick up my vehicle and embrace the city, give it another chance. So, off I go, all alone on the road, simply following the turns, as the chill of the morning welcomed me, showing a new, lovely, quiet side of the city. I couldn't help but give in to its charms. The beauty in greenery, the abandoned construction sites, the cool breeze next to the lakes. Simply amazing. For a change, I did not feel alone, scared or intimidated. I rode on till the dawn broke and then quietly returned home, snuggled in my cosy blanket and slept one of my most peaceful sleeps after some 2 months.

Calculations

Today morning, my roommate and I had a strange discussion that kind of sorted out a lot of things for me, but even confused me to a certain extent.

All around me, people are breaking up, making up, getting married and divorced. It all seems complicated. While discussing this we suddenly jumped to the ideal age of when we'd like to get married. And suddenly, I blurted out 27-28, followed by my reasoning for it.

I think for a woman it requires a lot of calculation. In my case, by the time I graduate I'd be touching 27, given I take a few months to settle down in my new job, start dating someone, it'd take another year to actually decide that this is the right guy. But, for women their biological cycle matters a lot, it is advisable to have a baby before one touches 30. Also, I believe that one needs atleast a year and a half into a fresh marriage before one plans for a kid, both to keep the newly married spirit alive and preparing for the new responsibilites. Taking all this into consideration, if I calculate back, I should be actually seeing someone right now to follow through this plan without any complications. Hehe... All this and I was like, God! what has life come down to? Even realtionships need to be calculated! Life is really funny...

Confession

Last winter when I was home, for the first time in my life I lied to my family. I lied to my mom with whom I've always been open and always shared such details, lied to my sister, my best friend. All for nothing. I lied to people who'd never leave my side for someone who left my side in a few hours of decisive moment and never tried to look back and talk to me again, never once came and asked me, 'How do you feel?'

The week that passed by, had been a week of confrontations and confessions for me, and there was a long list of people I had jotted down to confess to, but I had decided to make it face to face. The results as mentioned in the previous post were very positive, and the guilt of lying to my loved ones was bogging me down, so for a change I decided to deviate from the rule. I picked up the phone, and with one hello, she knew, she knew something was wrong, and I narrated everything. Though it's been a long time since I overcome the whole situation, but talking to her, and hearing out what she had to say about it, brought a sense of peace and satisfaction deep inside.

Trust me, there's nothing like parents in this world, so understanding, loving and forgiving. Always guiding you in the right direction. I know there are many who cannot relate to their parents, think that they'd never understand, all I'd say is try, try once, and you'll know, you'd never meet anyone more understanding than your parents and siblings. All you have to do is talk, talk with full faith and honesty.

Sometimes you just have to ask for it...

I've always been a person who simply shuts down when it comes to emotions and complications. Other's feelings and emotions become a priority. What I feel and want go hiding somewhere, so deep that sometimes even I don't know what exactly would I have preferred in that situation.

But last week was different, I made a list of what I always wanted to say to people and couldn't because at that moment their happiness was important to me. And with the list, I made a decision to meet those people one on one and have the courage to say it on their face, whether it was love, hate, regret, concern, warning. Small sentences like, 'I'd still like you to be my best friend', or 'I still love you', or like 'Your girlfriend is a total b**ch, and I don't like her, the sooner you call it off the better', or 'I would have appreciated it if you cared about my emotions too', or 'I'd like you to call me babes again', or 'I'm really proud of you'. Short little sentences, but they had a great impact. For once, I said what i really felt and wanted on people's face and didn't rely on letters and poems. I looked into their eyes and said 'I love you'.

Results of course were amazing. I have my best friend back, one of my good friend called off a miserable relationship he was into, I got lovely warm hugs and kisses and from last 3 days I get messages addressing me as Babes, from a person who first coined the name for me. I got it all, all that I wanted, I just had to ask for it...

Laali

The mumbai trip had a lot to offer in terms of experiences. One of the sweet ones that I'd always remember was with a cute beggar girl.

Two days before the incidence I was street shopping in Mumbai and haggling over a few bottles of nail paint. In the end the price quoted still seemed expensive to me and I walked off, deciding to get it from Pune, which I was sure would be cheaper. And yes, I did manage to get it cheaper in Pune.

Once I joined my friends on the train at Pune, I was proudly showing off my collection of nail paints that I'd managed to get so cheap and discussing the long story of my bargaining skills. That's when this little girl passes by, my guess was she must be 6-7 yrs old, she was cleaning the floor. The moment she set eye on the shiny bottles having colorful liquids, her eyes had a strange expression, an expression I still don't have a term for. And she stood up extending her tiny hands saying, 'Hamein bhi laali laga do'. Usually I do not entertain these kids because I know If I give them money they'd forever stay in this business, never try to get away from it. But, her request seemed so innocent and sweet that I couldn't help myself. I tapped on my thighs asking her to put her tiny, smeared with dirt hands on them, so that I could apply the nail paint on those hardly visible nails. The train was shaky and given my nail painting skills I wasn't sure I'd do justice to those tiny nails. But not wanting to disappoint the little girl, I asked my friend to do the job. Throughout the process, the look on the little girl's face was so satisfying that suddenly the haggling over a 20 bucks worth nail paint and the whole story of it, seemed so futile. All that mattered after that was the the girl's glittering eyes and that innocent smile.

Decisions

Well we all make decisions at some point in our life, some major, some simple everyday ones. But, these decisions somehow make a big difference in future and sometimes have some serious repercussions.

I don't say I have never made wrong decisions, but I kind of feel blessed when it comes to making them, a little trade secret that can't be shared. Hehe. Also, last few months have revealed that all the decisions where I have sacrificed my happiness for someone else's have been one of my best decisions, well atleast for myself.

Last one week I travelled and met up with almost everyone I had left behind for some reason or the other, well let's call it decisions, some theirs and some mine. And what I saw and heard from them was simply surprising. I know am noone to judge right and wrong, but the one's who were right were doing really well and the one's who had wronged me, left me, or I sacrificed for their happiness were in a way paying their dues.

At times it broke my heart, it took a lot of effort to get over the shit I went through to get over the pain they caused me, or the voluntary sacrifices that I had to make, and the only pacifying factor was that I was doing it for their happiness, which seemed lost. It made me question myself. Was I right in leaving them behind? Was I right in never looking back? Never trying to ensure that they are actually happy or not. But, then isn't it their decisions? Didn't I just oblige to whatever they asked for, without thinking even once about what I want? But, coming to think of it, once or twice I tried and was just given a cold shoulder cos at that moment they were happy and proud of their decisions. At the end of the day it's all very complicated. The key is not to question and just let it flow. Life just balances things for everyone, someday, someway.

Back again

Well last one week was amazing. My best time after moving to Bangalore from Pune. Apparently it was not in Bangalore, but a trip to Mumbai and Pune. Yes, Mumbai, the city I was scared of stepping foot in.

We started our journey on Friday with the majority of the batch travelling together. The journey was fun, with games, talks, revelations and lovely landscapes. But somewhere deep down the fear of the city was bogging me down. A friend of mine once promised me he'd show me around Mumbai whenever I come down. Though we are not on good terms anymore, somehow this trip felt like it'd change everything, and I was hoping he'd call up to keep his promise. But, he's broken many serious ones and I was wrong in expecting him to keep such a vague one. While I was thinking over these things, a common friend of ours mentioned an incidence involving the forementioned friend which changed the whole scenario. Suddenly I felt like such a fool to be expecting or depending on someone. That's simply not me. And this led to a lot of introspection and a new zeal and enthusiasm to explore the city on my own, all by myself, the way I was, the way I used to. So, I think I was right about the change part. It did change everything. And the trip was amazing and so was the city.

We had gone down to Mumbai to attend a conference. Everyday I'd wake up at 6 in the morning, freshen up, go to conference, attend it till lunch break and then it was time to break free! At 3 I'd walk out, to explore a new part of the city, and roam around till 3 in the morning, allowing me some 3 hours of sleep before I hit the next day. We saw all the major tourist spots, travelled in local, saw the slums, street shopped, met lots of old freinds, talked, shared, confessed. Wow! It was fun. And the icing on the cake was a short trip to Pune. Yes, on the last day I left for Pune, having exactly 29 hours on my hand before I had to catch a train back to Bangalore. The enthusiasm was still rolling and those 29 hours were utilized to the fullest. It was simply great. Walking on those familiar roads, hitting my favorite places, meeting an old flame, freshening up the memories, meeting some long lost friends, not sleeping at all. God! I'd go crazy listing it all down here. To confess the truth, am happy, extremely happy. It just feels a li'l weird accepting it, lest something might jinx it. Hehe. It's great to be back again! Back to MYSELF!

The opinion

For someone to survive in this world, it's very important for them to have an opinion about everything that happens in their life. One can't just keep running away, let others decide or rule their life. I have met people who just can't decide till the end moment, get confused and then just end up making a mistake in judgment. They think they are choosing the better, seemingly safer option but little do they realize that they are following what their indecision has led them to. They refuse their heart and mind and just follow the flow, blind and lost. All because, they did not take a stand when they should have, they could not state their opinion when the time was right. You often hear things like, "I don't know!", or "Let's not discuss this.", or "Can we discuss it later?". These are an escapist's statements and sooner one realizes it, the better. At the end of the day, they don't just ruin their life, but often take the people involved down the drain too.

All I want to say is, have an opinion, speak up, speak your heart out, express your wants, confess your sins, say I want it this way and stick to it and marvel at how things fall into place, the way you desire, YOUR WAY!

Bear hugs

Last few days have been all about change, change inculcated, change realized, change reverted. I was just wondering about how much I have changed, how much people around me have changed, how definition of things have changed and surprisingly how we adjust to it.

I have always been a warm person, one whom you can make happy with a simple warm hug and kiss, or even a warm smile. These little gestures bind a relationship of a lifetime for me.

But, as I was thinking I realized how much the definition of a relationship has changed today. What I defined as a chemistry, the lovely feeling, the longing to talk to someone, those cherished few minutes spent with someone talking sense or absolute nonsense, the feeling of wanting to know what your loved one is doing when you are separated without disturbing their space, the longing to talk even when you can't think of anything to talk about and actually ending up talking for hours when you meet up. Also, most importantly supporting each other's growth without losing the independence to take your own decisions, being strong so that you can support each other when one falls down. These were a few things I associated or rather still associate with a relationship. But to my surprise, relations have become pretty materialistic these days. "Oh! he got me a branded perfume!", or "She bought me an expensive tie!". And to confess the truth, I was about to fall for the same. I was going to buy an expensive gift. I was saved at the right moment, one of those times when you have to say, 'Whatever happens, happens for good!'

The little warm gestures like hugs and kisses have been long lost into oblivion. Since childhood I was taught that you can resolve anything with a warm hug.I have followed that till date, but these days things seem to have changed. Hugs, if shared, have become really superficial, a certain amount of hesitation and fear has somehow crept in. How I wish I can change it. Yesterday, I took off on a whim rode down to a slum and gave hugs to all the kids I came across. And to my surprise, when I came back to college, I got a nice warm hug from the least expected person. All I can say is, Thanks, you made my day and reaffirmed my faith in the lovely bear hugs!

Memories

Those memories so fond,
Walking beneath the moon,
No relations, no acquaintance,
Just the presence,
Me and you...

The faint love, present, not there,
The best we could ever share,
If I were to rake the best of our times,
It’d always be walking down those lines...

My World

One moment I was alive, happiness was happy,
sadness unknown...
One moment I was me,
free from this world,
my heart leaping with joy,
one moment I was in heaven,
the hell of life forgotten,
the magnificent world of the heart,
that one moment in your arms,
can thee now push me away?
I am thee, you are me...
Hold my hand and be free with me,
let my arms encircle my world,
you, my little one,
you are my world...

Words

Some letters tucked deep inside my locker,
remind me how am not much of a talker,
What I want, and how I feel,
Will always stay within,
when I face you,
you'll find me smiling still,
Times I wonder, Why always I have to be strong,
Why I have to let go, when I wasn't wrong,

Repeat of a mistake, similar show,
At the end of the day, I take the blow,
I hate these words for deceiving me; when it's time,
Oft I wonder, how things would have been,
If I had said I want you to be mine...

Relief

There are times when you have these clashing thoughts in your mind, like blogging is not me, but yet a few days back I decided to blog, and yesterday I decided to get rid of this blog. But, though I don't like to share, I don't like to give up on things that I start either and hence the decision to keep it going.

Yesterday was a wild day, a day I felt myself back again, the wild ride where you don't want to stop at all, just keep following the contours of the road, people stare at you, cos you're an alien in their territory, the cold breeze gushing by your face, being clueless; not knowing where you are, the relief that if lost, you never have to return to the mundane, sad life waiting back there. The ride of introspection, realizations, conclusions and happiness.

Throughout the ride all I kept wondering was what was it that was bogging me down and could not come up with anything wrong with my life, am still the same girl, full of life, with dreams and goals. All I was worried about was someone's future. But isn't it future, their future, their decisions and their consequences to face? Am not a part of it, and when they are least concerned why should I go about warning and trying to change it, just to be ridiculed. If I really care I should concentrate on today, try to make it better, to give them strength to face whatever they face tomorrow, and promise to be there whenever they need me. That's the way and that's how it should be...