An afterthought

After a long time, am a little confused about my decision. Sometimes, no matter what happens you care for people. Like, my sister says, when you love, you simply love, it has no conditions. From a long time, my strained relationship with a friend was bothering me and it still does. I tried, made various attempts and efforts to make things fine, amicable, but, all my efforts went in vain. I still can't elicit a single smile. I see the pain in the eyes, and affected by the failures of previous attempts, just walk by, and it hurts more. It hurts further when you find out about the conscious efforts made to ignore you, like blocking you in chat lists, passing by as if you don't exist. And the reason behind this, simply beyond me. One can understand if there is some solid reason. But, in this case, I have no reason for me to overcome this coldness.

But, tired of all this, and how badly it affects me, yesterday I decided to stop, put an end to it. So far, since, I could not talk face to face, I'd ask people to take care of my friend, try to find out how he was doing? And I'm aware he was doing something similar. But, if we really care, do we have to depend on people, and can people really judge how we really feel? I knew this was no way to go on. But, since my efforts to ask directly were rejected, I was left with no choice, but to resort to indirect methods. But, yesterday I decided to give up on that. I no longer want to indulge in what people have to say, I'll wait for the day, when I have the courage to go ask again, and he has the courage to face me, like he is, and not the facade he puts up.

But, this exercise wasn't as simple as I thought. I knew the people I asked to take care of him, or I relied on for some details, but I knew very few that he was in touch with. I had to slowly, stage things, bad mouth him, cos when you praise someone, it might reach them, but when you speak ill of someone, you are sure it'd reach them. This and a lot of other efforts put in together gave out people I had to avoid to cut off this indirect communication we were indulging in. It hurt and it still hurts. I just hope one day I'd be able to communicate the same to him, and we'll both have enough courage to accept things, as they are, with no pretense.